3 days off-EDIT

Now It's Tuesday. Well, its after midnight.

3 days off are over. Things are going back to a normal routine. One thing is that, it is so great to see my friends that I haven’t see for quite a while when they came to visit at lunch time. I’ve really enjoy talking with them. I would love to keep on chatting but I do know that they have to go. It’s great to see them!


Off the subject: It’s about my parent’s situation…. Meaning, there will be a VENTING moment! Forgive me for seem a little… Urg!!!! Okay, Okay, maybe not so little. Mmmm, I dunno, I let you be the judge of that.

I've decided this is too personal. Sorry for those who haven't read but those who did read that's okay, too.
*grin*

Misunderstanding or Miscommunication?

Or we didn't want to hear what they say? Or we didn't really listen?

Today, I was helping my mom's dinner. She was testing the chicken to see if it was done by using the temperature. For the Fowl, it must be 180 degree inside for the chicken. I don’t remember how it starts, all I remember was, I asked her, “What’s the temperature of the chicken?” She said “180 degree.” I waited for few second. She just stands there. I asked my mom, “What is supposed to be temperature for the chicken”. She said, “180 degree.” I was like, why is she still standing and hold the temperature inside the chicken. So I asked again in different question, “What is the expectation for the chicken?” She said, “180 degree”. So I asked her again, “What the temperature right now?” She said, “180 degree.” I was like what is she expecting me to do? So I respond, “Well, it’s done. Why not take it out?” Then she went, “Oh, it’s 160 degree.”

That is exact conversation of what we had. It was stuck in my head and repeating for a while and tries to figure out what could cause the misunderstanding? Sound like to me that she wasn’t really listening. Huh?

Suddenly, I remember something. Couple years ago, since I’ve been learning on read between the words and watch out the subtle body language and conversation. Some people are good at cover up or put their porker face. It makes it harder to read while others are very clear. Depend on people who I talk to, my mom and I had a conversation one day. Somehow, my mom twisted of what I said and jumped conclusion that it is my fault for being cranky mood and use my period as an excuse. Now, I already knew who am I and know my own emotional when I’m cranky or not. I turn back at my mom and told her that’s not what I said. I repeat in clear and different statement with same meaning. I told her don’t you dare to use my period or my cranky mood to turn against me. I may have period but I’m not in a cranky mood. She just sat there with her mouth wide open. Then she went off minding her business. I can tell that she’s still in a shock stage.

I had a few years of practicing with my ex boyfriend who turn against me half the time. I am starting to find a way to make it clear and directly. I learn to stand up more and more with my family and friends who tries to manipulating me.

I do have my own faults, too. Then again, maybe not. I don’t know. Last time, I went out shopping with my mom for clothing. She kept repeating to me few times about the outfit doesn’t look good with the jacket; however, for the jacket look good on the other outfit. I bought those and took home with me. I started to wear them. My mom said, “How many times must I tell you? It is like you are not listening to me. That jacket doesn’t look good with your outfit. It’s better with the other outfit.” as she showing the other outfits to me. I thought that was very interesting is that I don’t remember she said that. I guess everybody have their own flaws, sometimes.

When I went out with a guy, we been together too much. I started to feel like I need a space. I told a guy that I need a space, next thing I knew, he stuck with me like a glue. He was much closer than before. I was puzzled. I asked him why are you not give me the space? He didn't say anything but in his body language seems speak clear. I asked him is it you thought that space means breaking up and no longer see each other? He nodded. I was like, that's not true. I explain more and clear by saying I just need a time alone. I would like to be by myself for couple hours and not rejecting him. He still didn't gave me any space I needed, anyway. So I disappeared on him. Haha. It's a good thing.

One thing I never knew about when I read the Dr. Phil's book "Love Smart", he gave the actual meaning of I need space. In guy translation, "I need to get away from you! I need a witness with that girl who wouldn't leave me alone." Well, that sure sound fit for a guy I went out with but it wasn't my intention to say that meaning. I just try to communicate to tell him I just want to be by myself for a little while. Doesn't mean that I'm rejecting you. It's funny that we all have different meaning of what or how we say things.

Alicorn

What is Alicorn?

the name of the alicorn pictured here is from 'aille' or 'ali' (wing) and '-corn' (horn). It is wing-horn, a flying unicorn. I can understand how it could go both ways, of course, with a derivation of 'licorne' or even 'a li corne', but as far as I'm concerned that an alicorn is a unicorn with wings.

It is my favorite mythical creatrue of all times. To me it is symoblic for Indepence, Strong, and graceful.

Quizilla

Something for the fun: Hope ya enjoy, too.

You are weather spirits. You're an elemental angel. an elemental angel is an angel that is bonded to the elements and nature.
(Aaahhh, That's nice. Sound like me.)

You are a cat! You are laid back and just cool. You love to hang out, alone or with friends and people love how flexible you are. You can handle any situation very easily and even if it is a little messy, you come out clean.

(I already knew that I'm a cat person. However, I'm allergic to them. So I'm not going to have a cat. That's why I got a dog. That's when I realize, I'm really a cat person. *grin*

Your Hidden Power Is Wind. You have a twisted soul. You change your directions and mind easily. Your beauty is you over powering feature. But many enemies are surprised by your beauty and your great power to control wind Gem Stone: Amethist, Eye Color:Grey Blue,Hair Color:Grey that goes to your shoulder Blades Quote:And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear You shout and no one seems to hear. And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes I'll see you on the dark side of the moon. ( I see, Well, I'm a libra that goes for the air. That make sense to me.)

You are a flute. You are social and like to take your chances. You like to spread your wings and expirience new things. You are high in spirit. You also like to talk to many people about your views. ( I dunno about the flute but the rest of the message is very true about me!)

You are a water person. You are flexable and very nice. You are quiet so people who don't know you thnk you are weird or just mean and high and mighty like. You aren't though. You like to have a good time and you also just like to relax and just enjoy the stars. (Really, I thought I'm the air person but then again it mention just enjoy the stars. Well, the rest sound like me.)

You want a sweet guy. Who'ld take you anywhere. Like Japan!!! Wow I would like a guy like that too:) Also he looks so cute in japanese clothing:) (Huh??I never thought of Japan. I do find some Japan people can be quite rude when I visit DC with my family. We went on the tour and we were waiting in line for taking turn to take a picture in front of the Rooselvelt (sp?) and those Japanese family cut in line and took the pictures. There are other Japaneses did the same. I felt a little bit uncomfortable. I already know that not all japanese people are not always like that. But it's true that I would like to meet a sweet guy. )

Fun loving, childish, innocent and pure.You are a sprite of the Air: Fun loving and childish your naive nature only enhances how truly cute you are! You may come off as too childish but only because your not burdened with all the rules and regulations of adulthood. You are carefree most of the time spending your days playing tag or naming all the clouds you see in the sky. You are generally kind to everyone because you have lots of love and happiness to share! Making friends comes easy because they strive for the innocence you possess but be careful, being as nice and kind hearted as you are people will try to manipulate your nature if they have not already. Don't ever let anyone mold you to their standards although I doubt anyone could. (Mmmm that sound like me again! Another Air... Maybe I'm part Air and Water. Haha).

You are ElegantYou are elegant. You are a charming person, and also quiet relaxed. You have a lot of self-confidence, and that's a very good thing! Seeing that not many people have it anymore. You are able to make any person feel good about themselves, which is why people love you. You're attractive because you treat people fairly, and with respect. You most likely have a great smile or hair. Or you manage to take care of them really well! Haha! When people see you, they can tell you're poise, just by the way you carry yourself. You care about your self-image a lot, this can be bad sometimes, but it can be easily changed! Just be yourself! ( I don't know about this can be bad sometimes?? But overall It's true! I do know how to balance by taking care of myself and know that life is short by not dwell on it. )

Well, that's enough for now. Maybe I'll play again later or maybe not. Who knows?

*Cheers*

Jump to Conclusion

Few days ago, I was having conversation with my friend who determined that I’m Buddhism. I know that I’m not. More than half the people who I talk with already determined in certain things that are not always true. I find it ironic. They really don’t know me as they think that they do. Only person who knows me more than my parents is my longest friend Deb. She’s the only one that knows me more than anybody else. I’ve shared with her since middle school. I am very lucky to have her. Anybody else who knows me beside Deb is God.

It’s funny thing about people who already determined. Whether I talk in person or online, those people already determined of who am I or what am I. When they ask me questions, my respond I do agree or disagree. Their respond is you are Paganism. I told that person don’t be determined, even if I do agree or disagree with certain religion doesn’t mean that I’m in that category of religion.

When I talk about my parents, they already determined that I’m daddy’s little girl. That’s not true. I’m daddy’s little girl and mommy’s little girl. I’m both, not one or the other. Many said that they have to watch out my father. Actually, if you had spoken to my 2 ex-boyfriends, they will say it’s my mother that you have to watch out for, not my dad.

When I was a Christian (notice the past?), I know I already accept Jesus as my savior. There are few people who are already determined that I’m not Christian and I haven’t accepted Jesus as my savior. I choice not to argue with them because truth is they are argue against themselves and didn’t realize that they haven’t accepted Jesus as a savior. Later, they came to realize it is themselves who haven’t saved. I know that deep down in my heart, soul, and mind that I have accepted Jesus in my heart because I have the deep desire to connect with God and Jesus, the Lord. I have the yearning to have HIM in my heart and I made a room for HIM. I have deep longing to have relationship with God.

One thing that is true that people had notice about me, they always asked me, "How did you get to be such a strong woman?" Haha! Now, that's true! So some things are right about me and some things are not.

I just laughed when I find people who already jump to conclusion who I am or what am I. I do find that’s funny. It is like people who try to analysis other people when they really can’t analysis themselves. It is so much easier to analysis other people when they have hard time trying to analysis inside. To explore deep down in heart and soul, it is most difficult thing in the world because they dislike the idea that they found skeleton in their heart. They do not want to face the truth that person could be nasty, violence, personality disorder, and etc. It is not easy to change from negative to positive. Try to change is to give up the old lifestyle. This old lifestyle is so much easier and very familiar. To change the old lifestyle is very scary since they never had change and fear the unknown at the end. Instead of analysis themselves, they analysis other people. Interesting, huh?

Life is not easy: Part 2

Please read part 1 first! Here's the website: http://mysticalicorn.blogspot.com/2006/05/life-is-not-easy-part-1.html

I notice that my piece of soul was still flicker like a candle in the wind. It was on and off. I struggled to have my pieces of soul, which is called security, to come back. I finally give up and trust the Lord. I noticed that I didn’t waste my energy to hold on. I just let it go. My piece of soul was continuing to flicker.

In another year, I met a guy. He used to be pastor of Baptist. He converted his belief. I was surprised to see someone who was Christian and no longer believe in Jesus. Curiosity got the best of me. I know that this is the guy who I can talk to with ton of questions that is so deep that many christians refuse to bring up or discuss about it. So, I took my time to talk with him. First time, I did enjoy the deepest philosophy conversation I ever had. He showed me that there are many different perspectives about Bible and there are misinterpret that people used today. I was totally in shocked. It was like my eyes were opened. However, I still couldn’t believe what I read. It was totally different of what my parents, pastor, and church people had taught me. It was like the whole world was shook up. I did share two or three Christians to found out if they see what I see. I had to make sure it wasn’t my mind twisted. They were shocked too. They read of what I read. Because of that, I lost friendships with them. I know one did accuse me a satanic worshipper. I was not happy to hear that. I know deep in my heart I want a relationship with God and Jesus. I asked my friend that what happen made you seem so resistance because my friend had read the same thing I read. My friend said I choice not to believe it. Even though there was evidence as clear as black and white. My friends know it and refuse to believe it. I came to realize I almost made that choice. I almost made a choice to refuse to believe even the evidence was in black and white. I was this close to continue the same path in Christian's path. I told my so-called-friend that I don’t appreciate to be called satanic worshipper. I told my friend that I wasn’t trying to convert your belief. If you want to leave then leave, then my friend and others had left me. I just sat with awe. I’ve realize CHOICE is most powerful thing in the world. We can make a choice to believe or not to believe. We can make a choice to do something or not to do something. Choice is most powerful thing to do. I almost made a choice by not believing of what the man had show me the truth of evidence. It doesn’t matter if there was evidence or not. What truly matter is that the choice that we all decided.

That gave me awake up called. So, I took my time to research. It was not study. It was research. I research and read totally different of what I was taught from the Bible. I never thought I found so many craps of what church and people said were not true. I was so upset and angry.

So, I took my time to study other religious to try to find what suit me. I was trying to find comfort. Nothing gave me comforts. There was part of me still felt empty.

Meanwhile, I met a man and I thought he was right one for me. Turn out, that he’s not. I left him. One month later, I’ve decided to give up all religions and refuse to believe in Jesus. I found the truth that Jesus isn’t son of God. I looked at him as a spiritual man who gave guidance. My two favorite quotes, one is from Jesus, “God is all around you and within you, not the madison of wood or stone (church), split a wood, you’ll find me, left a stone, I’m there.” St. Thomas (it is not in the bible, I think it is on chapter 77).

Other favorite quote from Gandhi, “I like your Christ, but I don’t like your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”

I went to the church to see how I felt about it. I felt very uncomfortable of being there. There is something about the surrounding just doesn’t seem right.

For those who wonder about my research, it is best if you do the research on your own because it would open your eyes better that way than I show it to you. It is same for me. If I truly want to know bad enough then research not study and read. Those are different. That is what gave me an eye-opener. I did try to show it to my mom and she got upset too easy and said that’s not King James Version. She refuses to look for it. It is turn out that it is King James Version in small, fine prints. My mom was telling me to not listen to non-believers. Sorry mom, you had made your choice to be blind. It is the same for the others who made the choice to refuse to open their eyes. I guess some people who had been raised and taught lied for long time and hate the idea of being know that it had been taught lied. What truly matter is that everyone is preferred in a comfort level. I respect their choices but don’t accuse me for satanic worshipper.

After, I made my decision to walk in my own spiritual path. Few days later, (or was it several days? I couldn’t remember but I do know it didn’t take that long.) I was in bed asleep. I remember it was about 2am when I look at the clock in half asleep and half awake. In my dream there was empty white light surrounding. I was standing nearby the table and 4 chairs. It seem like I am in some kind of simple restaurant. I had a book in my hand. I sat down and open my book. Strange, my book has blank pages. There are no words. I just sit and stare at it for a few minutes. I saw a man show up out of nowhere. He sat down. I looked at him. He seems familiar and yet he’s not. He has brown hair and big brown eyes. He’s about the same age as I am but seem wiser. He gave soft smile as he looked at me. I just look at him back. Then he said, “I know things are tough for you, but hang in there.” I didn’t like the way that he able to read me, “Great, You can read me like a book. How would you know? I feel like such a fool!” Technically, we were speaking about my previous boyfriend who has Narcissism Personality Disorder but that time I didn’t know. I found out later. All I know that he’s really not very nice guy who gave me hard time. He’s being mean to me and treated me like I’m a slut. The guy in my dream responds with a gentle smile and a soft voice, “I know that you do but you are not alone on this.” He was referring to previous girlfriends who went out with my boyfriend. Little did I realize that his previous girlfriends ended up mental illness institution; however, his way of how he’s saying that it wasn’t his fault. I was like, “Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Whatever, I don’t care. I should know better by going out with him!” I was being angry and defensive myself toward this guy in my dream. He was just giving me words of positive and encouragement. Sudden, I realize who he was. I dropped my jaw. He said, “Do you recognize me, now?” I don’t know why I asked that most ridiculous question, “Where have you been?” He laughed. I’m glad that he has sense of humor. He said “I have always been with you before you were born and up to now. Reason why you have not felt my presence is because of you going through tough times and through emotional times. I was still with you all the way. No matter what you do or what you did or what you will do, I will still be with you. It is impossible for you able to feel my presence when you are going through tough times but remember I have always been with you.” First time in my life, I cried so hard. He just sat there and listens to me.

He and I had been discussing about the previous experience about domestic violence. I've came to realize that I know now that it does take time to heal and take time to change. I have realize those experiences had created me for who am I. Those experiences help me to understand and love myself better. Without negative experiences, I would never know who I am. I would not be able to face today if I do not have those kinds of experiences. It is possible that I would be stuck the same phase of abuse for rest of my lives. Instead, I face and change for better life. I challenge to adult people as I am in a child. If I can challenge as a kid, then I can challenge adult with adult in a best way as humanly possible. I look at the negative experiences as in positive. I never thought in my life, I'm glad that I experiences those.

After that, I had a long and deepest intimate conversation with him. We discuss everything and to the details from A to Z. We laughed and cried together. For a long time, I finally felt being accepted. I felt love, safe, and warmth. My heart is no longer made of Swiss cheese. I felt fulfilled and solid in my heart. I felt the connection that I been longing to search for is there right under my nose. It was not church, Bible, nor Jesus. From now on, I vow myself, I will never step in the church (will go for wedding, ceremony or special occasions). When I woke up, I was overwhelmed. I didn’t want to wake up. I want to stay and talk with him. That was my first time in my life, I felt happy.

Just remember, there will be ups and downs in life. There will be certain times when I do not feel in God's presence. There will be certain times that I feel like what's so important to live here on earth. Why can't I just go to heaven? What really important is that I know that HE will always be with me and support me all the way! I will continue to stay and do my humanly possible to continue until God's ready to call me home.

OFF SUBJECT:
I did go once with my family who convinced me to go. I wished I didn’t. I sat there disagree 95% what the pastor said. Urg! I can sense there is no God’s presence there. If others do felt God’s presence then feel free to continue to go and worship there. I do not. I was kinda disappointed that my mom truly wants me to go to church. She kept saying it is good for you. She was so glad if one of the family members did go to church. She said “Praise the Lord!” She tried to encourage me. She kept saying over and over. She said that she’s praying for me to go back to church and to God’s path. I find it so annoying. She doesn’t know my situation. I found God in my own spiritual path this is the direction is where I am going. It is not the church. It never had and never will be.

Life is not easy: Part 1

That is what we are here for. We learn by going through every thorn bushes, rocky mountains, raging water, underground caves, underwater, and to the sky. It is all physical, emotional, mentality, and spiritual.

This story is about life and spiritual...

But first, my friends and strangers, allow me to let you know these are my words through my personal experiences. It is not meant to persuade or to change your belief. You may find my experiences offensive. I am giving you ahead of warning, I do not believe in Jesus. Please do feel free to observe, to comment, and to share or leave; however, if I find any hate remarks or try to against my belief then I may remove the comments.

I remember as a young girl, I was full of life. Everything is so bright and wonderful. I was very curious girl who want to put my hands on everything and everywhere. There was connection between God and I. I felt my heart as whole and I do not feel lonely. It almost like I’m having an imaginary friend and yet I do not have one. Strange, I never really have an imaginary friend. I talk to God and see him as a friend. I can sense love and warmth from him.

One day, my mom started to share with me of the Bible. It is all common stories that pass on. It is about Noah Ark, David and Goliath, Moses are the few examples that what adult teaches to the young. Later, my mom started to mention Jesus. My connection with God is gone. (You might be thinking is when the sinner starts aware and the child is no longer innocence and it need to accept Jesus first before you can connect with God. That is what I was told but it's not). Even though there is disconnected, I strongly remember God is still around me. I still can sense the love and warm but in distance.

Later in life, I grew up in a domestic violence by family and teachers (Notice the end with an S? Yes it is more than one teacher in my life who abused me). I was still young and did not fully understand. I was upset with God by not answer my prayer. I asked when will things changed? He answered it takes time. I respond when it will take times. I’ve waited a weeks and it becomes a month. I waited a month and it becomes a year. He made a promise and he didn’t keep his promise. I turn my back on God. I looked back and realized that domestic violence take years and years to heal and improve. It would not disappear overnight. I did not understand that. I was still young girl who was very frustrated. I was afriad. Between God and I are no longer in connection and not in distance, anymore. I built the wall between God and I. I was astonishing that God is still there with me even though I shut him out. HE still with me to protecting me even though I didn’t think I needed HIM. HE’s still there. God is mysterious, isn’t he?

One day, I went to Christian summer camp, I accepted Jesus Christ in my heart through King James Version the Holy Bible. My summer camp counselor who helped led me to accept Jesus. I cried and knew that I am willing to sacrifice my soul, heart, and life for Jesus. I spoke to counselor I told her that I do not feel the connection. She said that everybody is different and nobody is alike. Some people who accept Jesus and felt connect immediately and some don’t. Some people would take several years or one of the verses in the bible would give impact in their lives. Patience takes time. So I heed by her word.

Years and after years, I do not feel connection. I read bible and pray daily as best as humanly possible. I attend church every Sunday and Wednesday. I volunteer to help and join the activities. I did everything I could but nothing. I decided to stop attending and involving until I went to college. I went back to involve church and Christian activities. I study and read Bible. I attending Bible study and learn. My heart is still feeling empty. I was starting to feel like I am wearing a mask of being a Christian of what Christian people expect me to be as role model of Jesus Christ. I was starting to feel the burden. I did spoke to couple of pastors and Christian counselor. I told them. I did confirm that I believe in Jesus with all the verses I memorize via John 3:16 and few other verses. I, sacrifice my life, heart, and soul. I am willing and DO anything and everything for Jesus. Yet, I still feel empty. I feel like I’m losing. I feel like I couldn’t hold on anymore. My life is slipping away. I feel like I am walking around in a zombie. I felt something is missing in my heart. In my heart, I was screaming. I couldn’t take it anymore. I need help so badly and I have no one to turn to. No advice or guidance. Bible and verses are not helping me. Pastor, Christian friends, Christian counselor are acting like they “know-it-all” or “I’m lost. I do not know how to give you the guidance even though I know all the answers are in the Bible. Here is the Bible and here’s the answer. Everything is in the Bible this and that.” They don’t satisfy my question that I’m looking for.

Frustrated, I grabbed the razor and wanted to end my life. Suddenly, my hand froze. It wouldn’t move like something holding me back. So I dropped my razor and went to get help. I went to see counselor. Another year went by, I still feel like I’m walking around in zombie but least I’m not danger to my own life. I was being patience as best as I can be. I’ve come to realize I’ve meet a few people who tried to commit suicide but reasons are completely different from mine. One girl I know, she was unhappy because she became deaf in later age. So she tried to kill herself. One guy I know, he tried to kill himself because his girlfriend left him. I was desperate to search for an answer. Another girl tired to kill herself because she felt empty but found Jesus fulfills her heart. She’s no longer felt empty. I asked myself, what about me? Why do I feel empty? I felt like my heart was made of a Swiss cheese.

So, I asked my parents if it is okay for me to stay during the summer with them and do nothing for 3 months as I was trying to find my heart as a whole. I did. For three months, I read books that are relate to King James Version Bible with different people who have their experiences and give guidance. I took my time to think and analysis of who am I. My mom did notice something different about me. She mentioned to me that something isn’t right about you. Something like your spirit is gone. I told her I know. That’s what I am trying to find out. One day, I felt my heart is no longer a Swiss cheese. I was thrilled about that. I don’t know where is that come from or how did I found a way to fulfills my heart. I came back to college.

Unexpectedly, my soul jumped outside of my body. I didn’t like that. It felt exact the same thing as it was before. It was frustrated for me. I spoke to one of other counselor about this and expressing my frustrated. He said that I do know the answer. I told him if I do know the answer then how come I couldn’t respond? He just grinned. I dislike that when a person knows the answer and I don’t. I wasn’t happy about that. I want an answer now! We kept talking for a little while. Something pop in my head, it was fear. It was fear that prevent from me to find an answer and I was kind of relieve that I found something. May not the answer what I am looking for but it is a big step for me to face the fear and conquers it. Maybe I will find the answer. I was hoping.

So I took my time to find out what was that pieces of my soul jumped out of my body and I was walking around like a zombie. I know there is a name for it. It had to be a name of pieces of my soul jumped out of my body. I try to find a name. Just a name. I find it ironic that it is a name. Just one word would solve the puzzle. I know it had to be. I had come to realize that it was secure. The pieces of the soul called security. That was the name. The emptiness that I felt has a name. It was security. I felt safe when I was my parent’s home. That explained why I felt whole in my heart. I’ve realize the bible, church, and pastor are not the answer.

However, there was part of me still believe in Jesus and still want to have relationship with Jesus and God. So I continue to stay. I have desire to believe and I do believe in Jesus is son of God and that he gave his life for us on the cross. I still have this desire of connection with God as it was before. To be continue... for Part 2.

Thinking out loud

Did ya ever thinking out loud?

I notice some people were thinking out loud. Some said this is just thinking out loud so I may not say it right. I notice that some think before they say it and some didn't. Sometimes they regret by saying out loud wasn't intend to insutl anyone.

I did think out loud on my previous blog "Basic Facts" about the Peace Corps and my parents.

Well, let me go back to my words about searching for job and that I just started. Actually, I may did started few months ago here but I have been searching while I was in Washington DC (including VA and Md) then North Carolina then Gergoria (my close mentor is inviting me to stay at her place if I ever find job there), now in Texas. There's no luck in those area as I was hoping for. I didn't get any one decent interview. If I didn't get any interview then it must be something wrong with my resume? Or should I get more experience?

(Let you know this is going to be venting moment.) It's funny. Sepaking of experience, I did have couple of internships. While I was in college, I was searching for internship and I remember several internship did interview me through the phone. They were searching for someone who know how to handle the certain kind of a car if it breakdown. I was like "no, but I can learn." But they need someone that kind of area, too. It was like .... I want to work with animals and I have to know about cars stuff?? Are you telling me that I have to go back to techincal school and learn to be mananic (fix cars)?? I think that is ridculas. I am applying internships and they expect me to know all those like I have already had the experiences. It was like I do not have experiences but isn't that what internship is for? To providing you the experiences so you can get the job?? Duh!

I remember how frustrated for me to try to find internship but at least I got 3 interenships but it was really annoying when people seems to be very picky. However, I do not get any kind of job whatsoever. I would not going to work any kind of stores or restuarant. I did work as a cashier at grocery store and that's good enough for me. I hate it. I did remember there is one internship that I hate it, too. I prefer other 2 internships.

Anyway, speaking of Peace Corps, I've already checked it out and I realize I have to do few things first before I can apply. ppppfffttttt. Guess, it wouldn't be sooner but at least that's what I'm going to do. Mmmmm How can I find some kind of excuse to go to doctor to have my check up requirement according to the peace corps without my parents knowing it. I guess I'm going to find a way one or another without my parents knowing it. The job that I'm going to take it is risky. I found out that rape can happen while ya there. Mmmmm I wounder if I could take my dog with me to protect me. I kinda doubt it.

My dog, Reese, is very protective of me. I never forget of what she did. When my mom bothered me too much other day. I told her in serious voice that "What part of leave me alone that you don't understand?" I wasn't happy that she didn't respect my boundary when I asked her to. Reese jump on the couch of where I sat and get in between my mom and I. She growled at my mom. My mom and I were surprised that she growled at her. I figured that she figured out of my tone of voice when I was very serious about something she got the message that my mom wasn't respect me. I wanna to say good girl but I choice not to because I'm concern that one day she might decided to attack her.

I truly impressed with her and that she really didn't cease to amaze me. I'm glad that I got her.

Basic Facts

What were you doing 10 years ago?

Senior year: Went to prom and graduated.

More details?

Alright,I had manic depression (start slowly from 9th grade and got worst in 11th grade). Lucky, I took the class pyschology. That's where I learn that from and I went to pyschologist to get prozac. I wasn't much active during my High School. I just focus on my classes and homework. I manage to do my homework and past testes druing my manic depression for almost a year. I just do my homework in bus trip and Study Hall and between breaks. When I come home, I went to bed. I got up and eat dinner then went to bed. My parents wake me up in the morning feel like I still never get enough sleep. All I ever want was sleep and sleep. So I took prozac. Man! That helps a lot!! My senior year, I try to involve but I feel like being left out. I just sat there. So, I gave up and continue focus on my school.

I had my goal to go to Gallaudet after I graduate and my parents weren't being supportive. They tried to talk me out of it. However, I already determined to go since I was 4th gradue the moment I heard about the Gallaudet. I said to myself this is where I am going after high school. Instead I went to community college, first. I was still agrue with my parents for almost 2 years and I fianlly gave up and fill out the application without them knowing. Once I accepted and I already determined to go without them. I've decided to wait until few weeks before time start for me to go. I told them that I got accpeted this Fall and I am going weather you like it or not. Their respond, "Congrlation!" I was like "what?" Is that my imagination that my parents are not going to agrue against it? I was surprised that I wasted the agrue for 2 years. I should have fill out long time ago. Doesn't matter. What really matters, I went to Gallaudet!! I am so glad taht I did. I did went and experiences things that I never thought I would have that kind of experiences. Even there are negitive and positive, those expereinces helped me to know who am I. Thanks Gallaudet!

What were you doing 1 year ago?

Oh boy! Truth is I've moved with my parents from North Carolina to Texas. It was sure tired me out! I decided to get a puppy and I got 6 months old puppy. I'm glad that I got her. At first, I was kind regret it since I didn't think I would be able taking good care of her. I've almost put her back to humane socity. My mom called it "Baby blues". That is something new quote that I never heard of before. Turn out I did taking good care of her. I took her walk every day and feed her. I displine, train, and teach her. I gave her my love, attention, and priase. She's really smart and obey my words. I fell in love with her more and more. Now I'm glad that I kept her and taken good care of her.

No luck about the job! *frown* I've really disappointed. I've seriously about giving up but I just started. I had been looking at the Peace Corps and thought about trying to apply. I heard that it is not easy to get in, either. I dunno, yet. I do know that my mom did try to talk me out of it, too. That happen few years ago when I consider Peace Corps. It is similar way with Gallaudet. Sometime, I do feel like I've regreat living here in America with my parents. What I meant was that I am very lucky personto live this rich land and freedom that we taken for granted that the people who lives in 3rd world dosen't have that freedom and have limited meals. They do not have of what we have here on America. It would be a great oppunity to experinece and give me more appricate of what I have for those who doesn't. They struggle while I'm having luxary of being here in America. (that's it! Now I know what I want next!! I'm going to join peace corps weather my parents like it or not. hahahaha! I'm going to apply this week. Whoo-hoo! Now I have my next goal to look forward to!) At first, I have no goal but now I do. *grin*

5 snacks you enjoy:
Chocolate (can't live without'em)
Any kind of fruits
Tuna sandwich
Chips
Chocolate (did I said that already?)

Five songs to which you know all the Lyrics:
Doe, A dear, A female deer
Ray, A drop of golden sun
Me.... *ahem* that is from the movie movie called "Sound of Music" It's good movie.

some Christmas songs such as "Slient Night" and "We Three Kings of Orient"

Happy Birthday to you!

Couple of christians song "Amazing Love" and "Amazing Grace"(it stuck in my head, pppfftttt)

Five things you would do if you were a milionaire
Pay off my bills!
Help out my family
Pay to Cancer and CF to find cure
Buy RV
Buy Yacht
Buy 3 or 4 houses in different locations
buy a house with natural swimming pool and waterfall
Buy large ranch for horses
....I can give tons of lists....*grins*

Five Bad Habits:
Procansting
Stubborn
Waiting until last minutes (did I already said that?)
Eating a little too much
Cranky (that's when it comes to once a month)

Five things you like doing:
Swimming
Take care of my dog
Reading
Internet
Shopping

Five things you would never wear again:
Shoulder pads
Any kind of white shirt (interview is exceptal)
Heavy Makeup
Glasses (well, once I have the money, I will wear contact).
.....

Favorite toys:
Computer
TV
Sidekick 2
Books

This time I'm going to skip the corrections of spelling. Sorry. Nah, I'm not sorry. This is my blog, anway. LOL
mmmmmm Ya know something? Question that I have to ask myself is my parents hindered my goal? They may just not realize what they were doing? Since I'm only child and they cherish me too much?

Favoritism and Competitive:

Some people don’t realize that they choice favoritism over other animals, people, and objects. Some people know what they are doing it and yet they still continue to do that. Others realize and change to treat equal.

In family, brothers and sisters did know that and they try to competition against each other to win favoritism. Some gave up and some did try to win their love or approval. My dad never forgives his father for pick his favorite of his older brother. It’s ironic that his father said that he loves all of his children as equal. If so, then why did he always take his older son to fishing and never invite other boys to his fishing. He denies that. He mentions that he loves them as the same. I thought that was interesting that he didn’t realize what he was doing. My father never forgives him even after his death. Sad ending, huh?

I remembered that my grandma did pick favoritism. When I spoke to my cousin that she can watch any TV show until 9pm is only one of my favorite show that I want to watch. Anything else is I’m willing sacrifice. So she watched from 6pm to 9pm. Now that it was my turn and I was only interesting from 9pm to 10pm and she can watch anything else after 10pm. When it was time, I change specific channel. She got upset. I told her bluntly that she watches 3 full hours and it is my turn to watch at least an hour. She refused to listen and whine to our grandma. Her mother and my mother were there, too. Her mother and grandma were scolding at me, I came to my mother and tried to explain. She made her choice to backup with them. I remember how upset I was when they refused to listen to my side of the story. That is how I started to able to see that my grandma favoritism over her instead of me. I was not happy about that situation. Funny, I remember how much I want to make a revenged. Unfortunately, my parents and I were left the next day.

Christmas time coming around the corner and it was time to visit grandparent’s house. I was exciting and almost forgotten. Suddenly, I remembered the revenged that I was going to make. I figured that my cousin hasn’t experience roller skate, since she’s couple years younger than me. I got my first roller skate for my birthday so I decided to take it with me. My dad did said no at first. I come up to my mom and said at least, I’m not taking bike with me because roller skate is smaller than bike. My mom’s soft-hearted and said to my dad, please let her take it. He went like alright, alright then grabbed the roller skate and put in the truck.

Next few days, my cousin arrived and we played together for a while until we ran out the idea of games, then I remembered. I came up to my dad and have him to get my roller skate. I was outside at the driveway. I put it on. She just looked at me and looked at the roller skate. She didn’t say anything but her face expression was like whatcha doing? She was curious. The moment I got up and rolled off with my roller skate. Her face expression was surprised and pointed her finger to my roller skate. She ran up to me and asked me that if she could try it on. I shook my head. She assumed that she was going to wait for her turn. She sat and waited and waited. Afterward, she came back to me and begged me for her to try it on. I refused. She sat on the steps and swings her legs and let her out cried. I was ignoring her and I let out my humming sound. She pouted and crossed her arms. She ran inside. I knew what she was going to do. Few minutes later, my grandma and mother showed up. They kept asking me to let her try on. I refused. My mom assumed that I didn’t understand her. She tried to explain again. I shook my head and kept rolling. My grandma was upset and she put her hand on her hips and looked at my mom. My mom sticks her hands out with her shoulder goes up, it was her way to say I have no idea what’s going on. My grandma let her frustrated sigh and walked in the house. My mom looked at me with her puzzled in her face. And I kept on rolling. My mom went inside. I said to myself, I’ve won. I was grinning from ear to ear.

Looking back, I do not regret of what I did. However, I still don’t understand why do people picked favoritism and reject others. I know I do have favorite books and etc. But when it comes to people and children, they are alive human being who has feelings, deserve to be loved, and treat equal.

Other day, when I was watching TV showed called “Dog Whisper”, when a couple picked one favoritism dog over other two dogs. That is what cause favoritism dog and other dog fights. Reason why? The couple picked the favoritism dog and made that dog to become Alpha dog and other dog felt left out so they fight. The Dog Whisper, Caesar, told them not to pick any favoritism and treat them equal. I find it amazing that we, humans, didn’t realize what we were doing and that we affect the dog’s behavior. It is the same with children and people. We have preferences.

I can see a family or friends can be competitive against each other. I can see if I have a friend and other friend got so jealous and try to competitive against me. I already knew it is not worth to try to compete against other and I just walked away and let it go. Those two friends became very close and I just sat back and observed. Last time I heard, they were living in South Carolina. One married to Christian pastor and other got married, they do have kids. When I was surprised to see them (they’re together at the mall like best friends.), they came up to me to say hi. I gave them my hug as I was glad to see a familiar faces. One girl who I back away from was surprised that I gave her hugged. I think that she thinks that I dislike her because I back away. But truth is I back away because I do not want to competitive with friends (for those who try to compete against me) like I see at the soap opera. I detest soap opera. It is nothing but backstabbing and stealing boyfriend/girlfriend craps. It’s wasting time. I can see her attitude was like I won her to be my best friend. I didn’t care. They move on and got married and I move on and went to college.

What amaze me that adult people still act like kids by going around picking favoritism and competitive against each other. Why do people continue pick favoritism? I do not know.

Why do people competitive for friendship or love? One possible guess, they are craving for those that lack from childhood. They are afraid to lose center of attention and love.

Water

Beautiful water, it’s so inviting during hot weather. Yet, the water can be dangerous. Shark or jellyfish can lurking around and attach you while you don’t know it. People can drown without making any sound of calling help. Water is dangerous. What’s important is use wise decision before jump in the water. Just check for the signs and make sure the lifeguard is around.

Water is so wonderful. It’s blue and clear while shimmer around from the sun. Water can give stress relieve and help the sore muscle. Being in the water, it’s weightless. Every time I went in the pool, I feel like being a playful dolphin or graceful whale. Either way, it is fun. I’ve been swimming and swimming. Reese, my dog, was almost ready to jump in the pool. However, we didn’t let her. According the man who fixes our pool encourages us not to let the dog in the pool for a month. So after May, we can let her come in.

Speaking of May, this month is Mother’s Day and Birthday for my mom. Oh boy! I haven’t got anything for her. Time sure flies fast than I thought. Mmmm I’m thinking what can I get for her. I’ve thought about low carbs cheesecake from the cheesecake factory. It’s really good. My mom did mention what she wants for her Mother’s Day. I’m going to try to encourage dad to get it for me. (Since, I’m not richie, rich. Heehee). I wonder what should I get for her birthday, too? Wait and see.

Oh yeah, I almost forgotten, a Memorial Day Weekend. I haven’t heard any confirmed about Memorial Day Weekend plans. That news is possible I’m going to stuck here. Well, it doesn’t matter. At least I’m going to be able to see my friend who I haven’t see her and her husband for a long time. They’re coming to visit family in Dallas and lucky I happen to live nearby. Last time I saw her was when she came to visit me in Harrisonburg, VA where my internship was at. I couldn’t remember when the last time I saw her husband. I think it was before the internship that I had. During that time, they weren’t married. Anyway, I look forward to get to see them.

Apology from professor

One of my friend got an apology from work, that reminds me someone did apology to me. Something that did impact on me.

For long time, since I've been elementary throughout to college. Some teachers didn't think I would make it throughout all schools. Even one teacher label me metal retarded. I've been struggle to prove every teachers, that I met, were wrong. Some didn't think I would make it through Middle School. Some didn't think I would make it through High School. Heck! Even some teachers didn't think I would graduate High School and would be able to get in college. Even some teachers think I wouldn't make it through college. It really does hurt me when some teachers weren't being supportive (some are A.H., pardon my language).

My last year in college, I bumped into one of my previous professor. This professor is usually says hi to me everytime he/she saw me. He/she did stop me from going to the next class and want to talk to me breifly. I listened. He/she said that it was wrong of him/her misjudge me and assume that I wouldn't make it through college. He/she was impress that I maintain my goal and wouldn't give up. He/she mention that he/she's sorry about that. Also, that he/she was sorry that he/she wasn't being supportive. He/she said need to go to class and wishes me a good luck. I was just stood there stunned and shock. Afterward, I cried. That's the first time I heard from someone who apology to me for misjudging me.

It has been long time since I've been put up with discrimination and being bullied not by students but by the teachers. I never thought in my bewilderment dream one of the whole teachers would be willing to stand and admit his/her mistake. That's rare and it was nicest thing I ever heard for a long time.

I'm glad that I'm be able to prove to teachers wrong by refuse to listen to them.

Key thing for to learn: Listen to someone you know that you can trust. Someone you know that will be very supportive and understand your situation. Listen to someone who understand your past and present and be there for the future and still support for who you are. Someone who knows your craps and still loves you the way you are.

Do not listen for those who isn't being supportive. For those who wouldn't be there. For those who refuse to be there by knowing or think that you would make a mistake that would cause them to be embarrassing. (Truth is you are embarrassing yourself, you can't embarrassing anyone else.) But someone just being there for you and support you throughout your embarrassing moment is a true person that you can trust.

What's the point?

I've been feeling that way sometimes since I was in college. Once in a while, I've been thinking after I've been achieving my goal whatever it is.

Path 1: married, job, then kids

Path 2: Job to job then married

Path 3: College to job, to college, to job then married with kids

Path 4: Job to job then married

Path 5: Job to job then pets

The whole point is that after I've achieve my goal. I can't help but thinking what's next? Is that all? What's the point?

The answer is by the time when I get to the old age and look back. All those experiences will create of my personality and able to see who am I.

I already know who am I. Even something new, I know I can challenge and those challenge can be rewarding experience. So, what's next?

To have kids or not to have kids. It doesn't matter. What's next? Yes, we will have the experience of growing pain. And in teen year of pain in the a$$. Again, those are rewarding experience for every parents, every child and every grandchildren. Okay, Is that all??

So, what's the point? Everybody have different answer and different point of view of their life meaning. Everybody have their own personal reasons and have a reason to live on earth. Not everyone knows their reason. Not everbody knows their purpose.

Others would say to be here to give the witness of spiritual belief (whatever it is, It doesn't matter.) Everybody have different spiritual paths. No one is alike. Even some who doesn't have spiritual life and doesn't believe in God. They still live here on earth. So why are they living here on Earth?

Other answer, just to be happy for no reason and life your live. The whole point of being here is just live your life. That's all.

Okay. What's the point of being here on Earth? Nobody knows or somebody does know but in their own path. Everybody's path are different.

Sometimes, I see pointless to live here on Earth; however, I would not endanger my life. If my life is complete and life fulfillment, then I should die by now. I'm not. I'm still young and still have future. So just keep on going?

Again, What's the point? *sigh*

I know I do not have a purpose but will I find one? (People respond is usually, yes.)

P.S. Don't mention the J.C. word.

A sunny weekend!

Oh boy! This weekend would be warm and sunny!

The pool is ready and we are ready to jump in. *grin* I do miss swimming. I've been anxious and patiencely waiting for the summer to come. But I know I do dread when it is way too hot. At least, we have to pool to help us to cool off.

There is downtown setting up more new stores and restuarants. I'm looking forward for that, too. I miss city sometimes but I do enjoy out in the country, too.

Update about my finger:
It's getting better. I can see the cut is getting smaller and smaller. The bruise on my nail is getting brown. I still feel the sore. However, I notice my nail has a crack. I look closer and I realize half of my nail is tring to come off. Argh. Sound too painful to think about it. I'm going have to be extra careful with my fingernail. I hate the idea of being girly-girl when comes to fingernail "I broke my nail" Notice how the girls always so careful with their nails seem doesn't fit for my personality. Who cares!? But this time I do care. I don't want my nail being peel off with the skin.

Anyway, I hope everybody enjoys your weekend!

My poor finger

:-(

I hit it with the very sharp metal in the garage, yesterday. Now I'm using 9 fingers while I'm typing this. My index finger had been big deep cut nearby my fingernail. I thought I cut my fingernail but it is just right above it. I even have blue-ish color on my fingernail.

Man! It was that painful! I dunno how long it will heal but I know it is very sore.

What a Day!

Oh boy,

Almost a year ago, when my parents and I moved to Texas, we live in a medium size house. Previous house was large, so we have to get rid of many stuffs that we don't need and left in the garage. We have been busy re-organize and cleaning the house the way we like. We almost finished the house. There are several things that we haven't done yet. I didn't realize that it would take long time to do things the way we like in the house.

Anway, we been cleaning and re-organize in the garage. We were hoping to do the garage-sale this coming weekend. It was wearing me out. We did so much today since the weather is very nice and a bit chilly. I was pooped and I went to bed to rest in the evening. I got knocked out the moment I was in the bed. That's when my mom woke me up in about an hour later. We out out to eat for dinner.

Oh!! I almost forgotten. GREAT news for me! Been long time since I went to cheesecake factor restaurant. Last time I went it was several years ago back in Washington DC. We have one here in Texas. Whoo-hoo! We never had in North Carolina, South Carolina, and Gergoria. Some of the painting there are similar as in Washington D.C. It sure brings back some good memories.

I'm going to be very busy this week and next week so I may not be online for a while.

Nitie-Night :-)

Addictive

I never got drunk and use drugs. However, I did drink alcohol once in a while. Sometimes I drink Pina Cola (sp?) and wine on special occasion. I am very curious person but not enough curious to try to use drugs or get drunk. I have met some people who are drugs addicts and alcoholic.

I went out with one guy who had been using drugs and still using it. He admitted that to me and asked me if I have a problem with that. (I didn’t respond but my first in my mind did he left any drugs in the car?? While I was riding with him?? I sure am glad that the police didn’t pull us over. Chances are that I could be ended up in jail even I did not use drugs or didn’t know that he has drugs in the car. I still can go to jail as equal as him.) I told him that this is his life and I have no right to tell him what to do and what he can’t do. I asked him if he already know that the drugs can be very harmful and he heard the usual lectures. He said yes. So what’s the point for me to lecture on him for he already knew that? Then he said that he would like to have a relationship with him. I told him no. He asked why. My respond I do not want to have a relationship with someone who using drugs. He respected and left. I’m impressed. He had made his choice to continue to destroy his life. There’s nothing I can do.

I already knew that I do have addictive personality. That’s why I stay away. Also, most of my family is alcoholic. I never got drunk or use drugs; however, why do I feel the craving to drink alcohol? There are certain times when I felt craving for it. Just to drink alcohol. It is usually when I felt so stress. When I do felt stress, I do want to drink alcohol and feel like that alcohol would make me feel better. I find it interesting. I know what alcohol can do and it will make it worst. It would not make it better. I have witness through my family and couple of friends that I know who are alcoholic.

I admit that I am concern what if I fall through the cracks and becoming alcoholic and/or using drugs. I am well-aware of that I am strong woman but even strong woman can fall through the cracks sometimes. We are humans. It could happen to anyone and it could happen to me. Part of me is hoping that I would never fall through the cracks.

If I did fall through the cracks, deep down I know I can fight it. I know I can face this with the help from the hotline or to group counselor at special place. I know there will be people out there can give support and encouragement. I know I would be able to find a way to keep on living and resist the craving. Just that I hope that I would never face that direction for rest of my life because I know it would not be easy.

Quote of the day: To call woman the weaker sex is a libel; it is man's injustice to woman. If by strength is meant brute strength, then, indeed, is woman less brute than man. If by strength is meant moral power, then woman is immeasurably man's superior. Has she not greater intuition, is she not more self-sacrificing, has she not greater powers of endurance, has she not greater courage? Without her, man could not be. If nonviolence is the law of our being, the future is with woman. Who can make a more effective appeal to the heart than woman? ~Mohandas Gandhi~

Butterfingers

I do not talk about candy bar.

Me and my butterfingers,

That's what my mother always called me every time I made my clumsiness. I hate that when it happens. That’s what it called every time something slips out of my fingers like they were greasy fingers.

Today must have been my unlucky day. I dropped my keys, bowl, lunch, and spill drinks. My mom said must be your butterfingers' day. I shot at my mom a look. She laughed. My respond, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. I feel like a little bit of teenager.

What can I said? That's my pet peeves, one day I’m fine and handle gracefully then next day my clumsiness showed up and everything’s falls apart on me. Pppfftttt.

We are humans. We make mistakes. We did things and wish we could go back. We accident dropped or spilled something every once in awhile. That’s what the gravity is for. If there isn’t gravity then we don’t have to worry about our clumsy. Haha. I always am wondering what it is like floating in the space and pour a drink in the air. Let the balls of soda floating around. You don’t have to clean up the mess. Hahaha. I think it would be cool to be flying in space for a day.

Don't you?

Quote of the day: Love gives us the stregth to make sacrifices, to give, to encourage, to connect and to be compassionate. ~Author Unknown~

Sunset

Yesterday and today was so hot so I left to take my dog to walk a little bit late since it is cooler.

I'm so glad that I have t-mobile SideKick 2. I can take advantage to take some pictures.

This is the first picture that I take as I was walking. The sun was so bright but it is setting. I decided to wait a little while. I continue to walk.

Then I walked back to take almost same spot where I took the first picture.

This is the second pictures. Sun is setting down deep. Isn't this beautiful? I think it is gorgeous sunset.

I heard that sunset and the sunrising are the same. I beg the different. Sunset is more relaxing and the sunrising is more energy. I'm talking about when sunrising that when you are awake and alert. Sunset makes me feel relax and unwinding because you know that the day is over.

The sun is going and going and gone. The light is still bright but soon the darkness will come.

I like the sunset the best than sunrising. Like I said, you know when the sun is gone and it would feel relaxing. I enjoy watching sunset almost everyday. It's amazing. Beautiful colors that painted in the sky.

Enjoyed!

Who Am I?

That is the most common question that people asked.

It is not about I am teacher, student, mother of three children, single, older sister, or doctor. Those are titles. They don’t really mean anything. It is not who I am.

I often puzzle by that. That is what they always said. I never understood. I just kept going. I realize going through experiences and faces tough situations. Those are the reason to discover who am I.

My mom said “You were like a young stallion that is impossible to be tamed.” She’s right.

I fought hard and wouldn’t give up. I stand up for myself when I have to. Even my parents tried so hard to do things to teach me proper way. What they were doing is they do not know how to be parents. That’s why they couldn’t get through me.

I do not remember this story, my mom told me that when I was young, I held my mom’s hand tight and I said, “No, no, no, no” in a very serious tone of voice to that person. Look back, my mom didn’t realize until now that person was abusing me. Strange, I was not being taught what abuse is yet, I know that’s wrong. I find that amazing. I’m amazing to myself!

As I got older and have my first boyfriend, he did said things that he shouldn’t. For example:
After a long trip, I was driving and my boyfriend slept half the time. As I was on the way home, he woke up with full of energy. We’re almost home. He asked me to stop by the library; it’s past the house and down the few red lights. He wants to go to the computer since we didn’t have computer at home. I told him that I’m too tried and I want to go home since it is getting late. He said, “Too bad! You MUST take me to the library!” I was like “What?... Fine! I’m going to stop at the house and let you drive to the library by yourself.” As I drove up to the driveway, I gave him the car keys. He didn’t take it. He went inside and pouts. He sat on the chair with his arm crossing. He didn’t turn on TV or anything. I just ignore and mind my business.

Another example:
We were college students; I was busy doing my homework. He finished his homework early. He said that he’s hungry. I told him to fix something to eat. There’s peanut butter and Jelly so make yourself a sandwich. He demanded me to make it for him. Notice?? He didn’t ask nicely. He demanded. I told him to make it yourself. You have arms and legs. It is right there. We are staying in a single room. There is no hallway or upstairs. Only he have to do is few steps and use his arms to make it. It’s not that difficult even a kid can do that. That’s what I told him. He got upset. He went to sit on the chair and pout. One hour later, he demanded again. I gave a shot looked at him and ignore him. I was continued to do my homework.

He kept doing that almost often in so many different things. I didn’t appreciate of what he’s doing. In a year later, I left him.

My second boyfriend was so much better than him (I thought it was but it wasn’t). He was being good to me. He showered me with love and affections. We taking turns and we communicate if things were going not right. We did argue but we gave ourselves some space and talk it out when we were ready. I thought he was the right one for me. My friends think I should not be with him. I didn’t care what they think. This is my life and this is my choice. I’m happy! I asked them to be happy for me. They left. So, I made new friends. Everything was going smooth.

Until, we were into serious level of the relationship, I felt like everything I did was wrong. I felt like everything my fault. I cause this relationship chaos. I try to figure out and get back the way it was. He blamed on me for everything.

One day, he blamed on me for failing his math class. I told him no, I didn’t do anything to make you fail your math class. He said I did. We argued. Somehow, he brought this subject up to use it as compare. He said about the two cars, one car went through the red light and hit the other car because the car goes through the green light. He said that the red light car is at fault. However, the green light car caused the accident. He made it sound so convincing. Look the way how he twisted. At first, I told him, no. He said yes. I admit that did confuse me. He sure sound so convincing that is true. So, I asked few people who I trusted the most. Especially to the counselor, I had to make sure. Several people and the counselor said no. Now I know where I stand.

Other example:
I don’t remember what the argument was. Every time, we were just talking and often it lead to argue. We kept argue and leads to nowhere. Suddenly, I realize that he wasn’t looking at me and wasn’t listening. He was not having eye contacting me. He looked at different direction. I stopped talking. He still was babbling on. I almost walked away and knew that he would still babble. Few more seconds, he realized that I stopped talking. He looked straight into my eyes and said “You’re not as smart as I thought you were!” That did piss me off. However, I just nodded. He seemed satisfied like he won.

Other example:
I told my 2nd bf that I need some money since I am broke. He doesn’t have any and I know I have to pay the bill. He knows it too. So, I borrowed some money from my parent. They mailed it and I did deposit. I haven’t written the check, yet. Somehow, he took my money without my permission and uses it. I was not happy about that when I found out. I asked him what he did with my money. He said that he wants to help paying my bills and that he want to be responsible for it. He wants to take care of me. I asked him again. He said that he spend on the foods and something else. I asked him then how would you pay my bills? Sound like to me that you only care about yourself and not me. Boy, he was so upset what I just said and he hit me. I stepped back and told him to leave. He refused. I grab the phone and I told him if you refuse then I will call the police. (He’s stupid). He said, “They are not going to believe you.” I respond, “I’m willing to take the risk, do you??” He left.

I was broke and didn’t have the money to pay my bills. So, I borrowed my friend’s money. (And I did pay back later.) Without a word, I left. My friends think I should not leave him and my friends believe him. He said all the lies about me. I didn’t care. My parents didn’t know about this situation.

Looking back, I realize who I am and what I am. I didn’t care what other people thinks of me. I do ask for advice and stuff like that but I’m not letting them control my life. I never try to please them. I look out for myself. I stand up for what I believe and let no one pull me down unless I let them. (That’s what Eleanor Roosevelt said.)

Who am I? I’m determine, strong-willed, independent, sweet, loveable, and spiritual.