Who Am I?

That is the most common question that people asked.

It is not about I am teacher, student, mother of three children, single, older sister, or doctor. Those are titles. They don’t really mean anything. It is not who I am.

I often puzzle by that. That is what they always said. I never understood. I just kept going. I realize going through experiences and faces tough situations. Those are the reason to discover who am I.

My mom said “You were like a young stallion that is impossible to be tamed.” She’s right.

I fought hard and wouldn’t give up. I stand up for myself when I have to. Even my parents tried so hard to do things to teach me proper way. What they were doing is they do not know how to be parents. That’s why they couldn’t get through me.

I do not remember this story, my mom told me that when I was young, I held my mom’s hand tight and I said, “No, no, no, no” in a very serious tone of voice to that person. Look back, my mom didn’t realize until now that person was abusing me. Strange, I was not being taught what abuse is yet, I know that’s wrong. I find that amazing. I’m amazing to myself!

As I got older and have my first boyfriend, he did said things that he shouldn’t. For example:
After a long trip, I was driving and my boyfriend slept half the time. As I was on the way home, he woke up with full of energy. We’re almost home. He asked me to stop by the library; it’s past the house and down the few red lights. He wants to go to the computer since we didn’t have computer at home. I told him that I’m too tried and I want to go home since it is getting late. He said, “Too bad! You MUST take me to the library!” I was like “What?... Fine! I’m going to stop at the house and let you drive to the library by yourself.” As I drove up to the driveway, I gave him the car keys. He didn’t take it. He went inside and pouts. He sat on the chair with his arm crossing. He didn’t turn on TV or anything. I just ignore and mind my business.

Another example:
We were college students; I was busy doing my homework. He finished his homework early. He said that he’s hungry. I told him to fix something to eat. There’s peanut butter and Jelly so make yourself a sandwich. He demanded me to make it for him. Notice?? He didn’t ask nicely. He demanded. I told him to make it yourself. You have arms and legs. It is right there. We are staying in a single room. There is no hallway or upstairs. Only he have to do is few steps and use his arms to make it. It’s not that difficult even a kid can do that. That’s what I told him. He got upset. He went to sit on the chair and pout. One hour later, he demanded again. I gave a shot looked at him and ignore him. I was continued to do my homework.

He kept doing that almost often in so many different things. I didn’t appreciate of what he’s doing. In a year later, I left him.

My second boyfriend was so much better than him (I thought it was but it wasn’t). He was being good to me. He showered me with love and affections. We taking turns and we communicate if things were going not right. We did argue but we gave ourselves some space and talk it out when we were ready. I thought he was the right one for me. My friends think I should not be with him. I didn’t care what they think. This is my life and this is my choice. I’m happy! I asked them to be happy for me. They left. So, I made new friends. Everything was going smooth.

Until, we were into serious level of the relationship, I felt like everything I did was wrong. I felt like everything my fault. I cause this relationship chaos. I try to figure out and get back the way it was. He blamed on me for everything.

One day, he blamed on me for failing his math class. I told him no, I didn’t do anything to make you fail your math class. He said I did. We argued. Somehow, he brought this subject up to use it as compare. He said about the two cars, one car went through the red light and hit the other car because the car goes through the green light. He said that the red light car is at fault. However, the green light car caused the accident. He made it sound so convincing. Look the way how he twisted. At first, I told him, no. He said yes. I admit that did confuse me. He sure sound so convincing that is true. So, I asked few people who I trusted the most. Especially to the counselor, I had to make sure. Several people and the counselor said no. Now I know where I stand.

Other example:
I don’t remember what the argument was. Every time, we were just talking and often it lead to argue. We kept argue and leads to nowhere. Suddenly, I realize that he wasn’t looking at me and wasn’t listening. He was not having eye contacting me. He looked at different direction. I stopped talking. He still was babbling on. I almost walked away and knew that he would still babble. Few more seconds, he realized that I stopped talking. He looked straight into my eyes and said “You’re not as smart as I thought you were!” That did piss me off. However, I just nodded. He seemed satisfied like he won.

Other example:
I told my 2nd bf that I need some money since I am broke. He doesn’t have any and I know I have to pay the bill. He knows it too. So, I borrowed some money from my parent. They mailed it and I did deposit. I haven’t written the check, yet. Somehow, he took my money without my permission and uses it. I was not happy about that when I found out. I asked him what he did with my money. He said that he wants to help paying my bills and that he want to be responsible for it. He wants to take care of me. I asked him again. He said that he spend on the foods and something else. I asked him then how would you pay my bills? Sound like to me that you only care about yourself and not me. Boy, he was so upset what I just said and he hit me. I stepped back and told him to leave. He refused. I grab the phone and I told him if you refuse then I will call the police. (He’s stupid). He said, “They are not going to believe you.” I respond, “I’m willing to take the risk, do you??” He left.

I was broke and didn’t have the money to pay my bills. So, I borrowed my friend’s money. (And I did pay back later.) Without a word, I left. My friends think I should not leave him and my friends believe him. He said all the lies about me. I didn’t care. My parents didn’t know about this situation.

Looking back, I realize who I am and what I am. I didn’t care what other people thinks of me. I do ask for advice and stuff like that but I’m not letting them control my life. I never try to please them. I look out for myself. I stand up for what I believe and let no one pull me down unless I let them. (That’s what Eleanor Roosevelt said.)

Who am I? I’m determine, strong-willed, independent, sweet, loveable, and spiritual.