*sigh* I contact my 2nd mom, apperarly(sp) she doesn't understand about my situation with Amy. Oh well.
Anyway, I did spoke to my dad and 2nd mom about their prespective of me building a certain buisness something that I had in my mind. They both said that it is unrealistic. *sigh* I guess they're right about that.
I have been crying the last two night and I did cried at work. I'm surprised no one seems to notice nor say anything about it. Maybe they just didn't care or didn't really pay attention. Don't matter. I'm just glad that I do not have to say anything. I managed to keep up with my work. I admit that I almost want to leave but I managed to keep on going and focus my work.
Well, I'm actually free this week; however, I would not be surprised if I wld be contact last minute for work, again.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Friday, March 28, 2008
Missing Amy K.
I know this isn't cheerful moments. I missed her big time. I wished she didn't died. I justed finished read the last msg that she send to me on March 6th. She did mention that she's getting sick again and see doctor next day and possible stay in hopstial. That isn't first time she mention because she usually in and out due to her genetic diease. I didn't hear from her until John told me about Amy. My heart just sink and prayed that isn't true.
Like I said, I wished she lived few more years. Just to see her one more time. I also wish this isn't refleuction(sp, opposite for Great Depression) since prices were high, we did mention about wait it out or go some places that is in USA, something cheaper for this summer. Now I do not had my chance. I know I should look at bright side that I was able to see her before she died but it is still not the same thing.
*sigh* I'm still hang in there. Just sad and disappointed. That's all.
Like I said, I wished she lived few more years. Just to see her one more time. I also wish this isn't refleuction(sp, opposite for Great Depression) since prices were high, we did mention about wait it out or go some places that is in USA, something cheaper for this summer. Now I do not had my chance. I know I should look at bright side that I was able to see her before she died but it is still not the same thing.
*sigh* I'm still hang in there. Just sad and disappointed. That's all.
Amy K. part 2
I got email from John at 7:21am. Today, they will bury Amy. I figured that John is there and Amy's parent paid John and Nicholas. Funny thing is that, he also said that he hope that I forgive and forget the past. When I looked back to this day, I realize. That is his most common comments "forgive and forget" but never once apology for his action nor behavior. Not once mention that was his fault and realize that and willing to make improvement. Sad but true.
I couldn't keep in touch with John. According to what I read nbr 1 best way to have closure is "No Contact" for NPD is damn good at sucking other people espeically when it comes to pity. Deep down I know John will find a way to draw me into relationship. Once contact then it will be a point of no return. I know about John's son. However if John's 2 daughters had managed to survive living with John. I'm sure Nicholas will be.
If Amy had survive through her mother for she also has NPD. And she managed to survive thru John's NPD. It same for everybody else weather we like it or not. We just have to accept and move on. Let the worries and burden onto God's hands.
It is same for me, I managed to survive through domanastic volience. We all are survival one way or another.
Like I said, I didn't respond back to John. However, if he keep on emailing me then a very good chance I wld change my email address that including my pager. I will keep on updating to people I know for those who I only contact to.
Wait and see...
I couldn't keep in touch with John. According to what I read nbr 1 best way to have closure is "No Contact" for NPD is damn good at sucking other people espeically when it comes to pity. Deep down I know John will find a way to draw me into relationship. Once contact then it will be a point of no return. I know about John's son. However if John's 2 daughters had managed to survive living with John. I'm sure Nicholas will be.
If Amy had survive through her mother for she also has NPD. And she managed to survive thru John's NPD. It same for everybody else weather we like it or not. We just have to accept and move on. Let the worries and burden onto God's hands.
It is same for me, I managed to survive through domanastic volience. We all are survival one way or another.
Like I said, I didn't respond back to John. However, if he keep on emailing me then a very good chance I wld change my email address that including my pager. I will keep on updating to people I know for those who I only contact to.
Wait and see...
Saturday, March 22, 2008
R.I.P. Amy M. K.
(I dunno how long is this but possible very long blong) How did I first met her?
I met her through my boyfriend, John. (Who is now my ex). It was at night during winter. I couldn't remember which month but I do remember it was snowing. Amy and I talk many different things for several hours, almost all night. My first impressions are smart, outgoing and scarcastic. She certain has a way with her words. Something about her spark my interest.
However, the story I hear from Amy, she said that she first saw me when I was in HMB building as I walk pass her, she couldn't help but want to look at my behind. So she did. Her first thought was I am way out of her league. Also, she watches me when I'm at cafeteria. First thing she sees me as straight.
Well, even though I act straight and wear female outfit and attract to males, part of me is very curious. I did had my first crush on christian female friend. I never said a word and minding my own business. I act causual like it is nothing.
That christian female friend of mine is married and have children.
Anyway, back to that story...
After a while, Amy want to set up as a group for all of us go together to Six Flags. Something had came up, people changed their mind and would not go. Amy seem very disappointed. I tried to cheer her up by coming over and ask her why not we just go ahead and go. She seem isn't in the mood.
Later I found out that, Amy trying to have a date with me but going out in a group. It is more of discreet way. I didn't know that what Amy was trying to do. So she tried to come up with other way. However, there isn't other way.
Finally, Jan 1st, Amy contact me through IM, she confessed that she had a crush on me. I wasn't expect that. I thought she wasn't interesting in me since she did avoiding me, sometimes.
I was surprised and she shared some poems with me that she wrote for me that she did wrote during time we were together.
John had really interfere a lot of ways. For one, John had said something that he thinks that would happen, so I talk to Amy and I discover it isn't true. It happens often in different situtations. John would twist in every way.
At the end, I broke up with John but I made him thinks that he's breaking up with me. I let him have his last words. He always have a last words.
After awhile, Amy got into coma and forgot everything had happened between me and Amy plus she forgotten her family. As usual, John didn't tell me that Amy still remeber me and John but does not remember her parent and rest of her family. John left out the part that Amy remebers me. Anyway, I thought that was it. It was the end. I thought it was fate. So I did not come back. I left.
After long time, I still kept thinking of Amy. I managed to push aside. It has been long time. I finally decided to contact Amy, again. We finally had been clear up a lot of misunderstanding and it was really John cuz this first place.
What's done is done but I do not have regrets. I'm glad that I had a chance to contact her and clear up. She and I are becoming best friends.
We did plan to have vacation to get together but sadly Amy have to leave and go to heaven. Her lungs are collesping.
Part of me is hoping that isn't true. Part of me is hoping that is just overreacting. So I contact few of my friends then I contact my 2nd mom. Finally, I decided to contact hopstial. Turn out, it wasn't overreacting. Since my money is limited plus I do not feel comfortable going alone. However, I was desperate to go from Texas to Minn.
I decided to contact 3 male friends (lucky, they are single and 2 are open-minded). Reason why is that I do not want John try to..... Ummm get me back, again or draw me into relationship with him. I know 2 male friends of mine would get along and act like they are my boyfriends or like a relationship, just to cover up. It is best way to prevent from.... John... I don't want to be around him alone. Sadly, they can't.
So I went ahead and contact a good friend of mine from Missiouri. When she said, yes. I was relieved and thrill. So I quickly contact my job to have someone to cover me. I was told to call next day. I dislike that. Instead, I went ahead and called several hours later, trun out, they have it cover. Again, I was relieved. I was very anixious. It is possible they will remove the breathing support on Thursday or Friday. So I want to be there by Wedensday, hopefully to be alone with her or something like that.
Wed, March 19th. I called hopstial and talk to Amy's mother. She said that they will disconnect the tube tonight. My first thought, I hope to be there before they do that. The early flight is 2 30pm... I arrived 4 45pm. I decided to tell Amy's mother, that I will arrive airport at 5pm. Part of me glad that I did cuz that gave me alittle bit more time. I got on shuttle on way to hotel that is near hosptial. My friend was driving to Minn. Some people find hard to believe that she is driving. Well, I think it is much cheaper than flight. Since mine is 500 dollars plus tax. It is rather expensive but not bad for last minutes. I was glad that my parent were willing to pay as long as I pay back because at first, they were not but when I mention that I will pay back then they will buy the plane ticket.
I couldn't sleep since Monday night and I barely eat much since I was on emotional. Part of me am glad that I'm taking prozac otherwise I might not be able to do anything. When I was on shuttle and it is close to 5 30pm. I called the hotel to double check that they reserved the room plus it have to be at least 10 minutes request for shuttle of half hour to one hour. My first thought I want to leave by 5 30 but I think it was too soon. So I did request for 6pm. Turn out I arrived at hotel 535pm. I knew that wasn't enough time. Meanwhile, I contact my friend to see where she was at. She said she should be there abt 15 minutes or so.
What's funny part? My friend told me that she arrived at hotel. So I came down at the evelator turn out she came up 3rd floor. Somehow, we missed each other as we continue contace as "where are you, now". I laughed when I found out that she's on 3rd floor then I turn around and came up while she told me that she will stay on 3rd floor. I was relieved and not so nervous anymore when I saw her. We chat breifly then on way to hopstial. Thank goodness for shuttle from hotel to hosptial. It certain save time of where should park and driving around to find hopstial, too. That really makes a differences. We arrived. I know my friend doesn't know Amy or anyone. I figured she might feel comfortable staying in family/waiting room. So I asked her if she want to stay. She said yes. I'm glad that she is there because when I'm in the room where family, John, and Amy, back of my head I know my friend is in the waiting room. I feel comfortable knowing she is there nearby.
My first saw was John. He hugged me then hold me. He started to cry. My first thought, who cares... I'm here for Amy, not John. I just being polite and ask how's going and etc. Finally, I ask can I see Amy? I was really anixious to see her. Back of my mind, I remind myself that Amy is on heavy medication and that she may not reconzed or still asleep. John and I walked down the hallway and chatting about Amy's situation. We stop at the curtian that half open and light is off. The only light that shine is from hallway. I saw family but I haven't see Amy. As John continue chatting, I saw alittle boy come up to me twice. By the third time, he approach me again, then walk back to the room. John asked, did you know that is Nicholas? My respond, I saw him in picture, is that him? John got Nicholas and we were being introduce. I saw a beautiful blue eyes. We were litterally looked into our eyes. That is Amy's son. I asked him, "may I have a hug?" He quickly gave me hug and then walk back to the room. John gave me yellow paper thing that covers our chest and down to knee. John is also put himself on. The moment we walk in the room, I quickly took my deep breath as I tried to fight my emotional back. John introduce me with Amy's parent, aunt, sisters and interpreter. I know one of her sister is blind since she has Usher Syndome. I spoke hi with her name. She nodded. Finally, I saw Sharon. John's wife. I have met her couple times. I came up to her and hugged her.
Finally, I approach to Amy which she lay on bed with breathing tube. Her eyes are half open. I was speechless. She doesn't look good. I stood nearby and hold her cold hand. John approach me and told me that she can't see due to heavy medication since her eyesights are blur. However, he told that that I can speak to her in her ear. So I did, "hey Amy, this is Crystal... This is Crystal, I'm here." She nodded. My heart just jumped. I told her, "I care and I love you." couple times. I sat on extra chair just like everyone else sitting. John told me that it felt right that he and I were there. I admit that I was kinda surprised to hear that from him.
I found out they will remove the breathing tube around 7pm. Because next step will be life support; however, several days ago, she made it clear that she doesn't want life support. So, they have to go ahead and remove the breathing tube.
So now, we are saying "good-byes". We are taking turn. First parents, sisters, aunts, John then me... Last is Sharon and Nicholas. I did said, "good-bye and I will see you soon." What I meant is that I know I will see her someday weather I die old or by car accident but I know I will see her again.
When mother explain to Amy that nurses will remove the breathing tube. She idmently grab the tube and try to pull it out herself. Her mother told her to be patience and let nurses do that for you.
John told me that Amy had tried to remove that tube, yesterday. Something tells me that she is ready to die.
We came out in hall. I went to waiting room and letting my friend know. After a while, Sharon came and got me. I told Sharon, "thank you for getting me." She nodded. I arrived, they were waiting in hallway. I spotted John's youngest daughter in her 20's. She was surprised to see me. I just nod and wait.
I saw nurses in Amy room. I figure that they give her medication and remove the tube. That medication is to prevent from feeling any pains.
They left then we all came back in. Amy is breathing on her own alittle bit for a while. Part of me is hoping that she's able to continue to breath on her own; however, her last breath, I saw her face turn to pale and her lips turn to gray. It only take a second. Next thing I saw, at least I think I see it, a smoke or fog-like is right above amy's body. I blink then it is gone. Again it take only split seconds. I was crying, others were crying. Amy's mother and other family are close by with Amy. I was pretty much in distance. Amy's mother left her position. I quickly went over just to be close to Amy. Deep down I knew Amy is watching us. John is manage to go to closeby Amy on other side of bed across from me. We both looked at Amy as we saying good byes. I notice her aunt didn't like that but I ingore her. Few moments, I notice Amy's mother came back and standing behind me. Then I back off and gave her postion back. That was my plan is to give her postion back. John gave me a look with puzzle. I told him, she's a mother. I know my mom want to be nearby if that happen to me, too. John respond, "understood."
Everybody was hugging but me. I was crying plus somewhat left out. Unexpectly, John's daughter pulled me for a hug. I was surprised because she seems didn't like me and basically she ingored me when I first met her. She tried hog all attention to John. I just back off and let her because I know that she is daughter and he is father. She was kinda rude. However, this time the situtation was different. We all have group hugged then invdiual hugs. Finally, everyone and I join hands and prayed. Amy's father prayed then John prayed.
Finally, John had asked me what's my plan. I told him that I only ate was peanuts and orange juice. Truth is I wasn't hungry since I was in emotional. I do know my stomach is empty and I must eat something. John did said that I can ride van with them and my friend can ride with his daughter. I do not want to be alone.... Espeically with John even though Sharon will be there. I refused. I mention, I prefer to be with my friend. John's daughter said that she has a room for two people in her car. I nodded.
After a while, we got lost. Part of me is glad that wasn't my friend and I. We just tag along and let them find the resturant.
Finally, we found it. As we got out of the car, John waited and watching. My friend walk forward. John really had to ask, Kare you two together?" My respond, "no!" John said that I refuse to be alone and that I require to be with her. And that I seems to be close. I told him that she and I were roomates. I couldn't picture myself with her. I only see her as my best friend, my sister, that's all I see her. I couldn't see anything farther than that. Part of me is glad that he couldn't figure out what the real reason. I do not want to be alone around John. No matter what! We continue to eat and chatting different things.
I decided to lied that my plane leaves tomorrow(Thurs) since my plane leaves Friday for I do not want to see them again.
John's daughter dropped us off. We arrive back to hotel room. We chatting for next few hours.
You know what? I'm just am glad that I get to see Amy and I'm glad I had a chance to say good bye. I'm glad that I made my choice to fly over. In fact, I felt more peace than I was before. Most of all, I'm really am glad that my friend was there.
Next morning, my friend had told me that something had came up and had to go back home. I was disappointed. I don't want to be alone. Then I realize, I'm not going to see John again. So it really doesn't matter. She seems to hestate to leave. I told her that there are resturants, and couple fast food nearby. Or I can take shuttle to hosptial for cafeteria. I will be fine. So, she left.
You know what else?? I couldn't ask for better timing. I arrive just right on time before Amy died. I had a chance to say good bye. And I don't have to put up seeing John for another day alone while my friend had gone back home. It is truly blessing. What's even more, I'm glad that my friend had left because I realize I haven't being alone for long time. Even my parent gone for dating but that was short. It has been long to be alone for long hours. In fact I enjoy being by myself.
Next day, I flew from Minn to St. Loius Missiouri. My next flight was suppose to be 6 30pm; however it postpone 8:30pm then 9:10pm then 9:50pm. There was announcement. I had to asked. I found out that there was mechinical problem and that we may have to fly other city then to Dallas. I decided to get something to eat. Since I don't feel comfortable about eating resturant. I prefer fast food to go. I do not want to miss my flight if things had changed and I didn't know espeically, I can't understand over the speaker. I spotted a map on the board. I was disapointed is that all are resturant and if you want fast food, it has to be outside of security.
Sudeenly, I hear something like someone talk behind my back. Thanks to the big store where I work, that is not unusual when they think I'm hearing and they tend to talk behind my back. I trained myself to catch it otherwise, they think I ingore them. I turned my head, "mmmm?" this guy said again, " can I help you finding something?" that guy who sems to work there. He had vest on and he's pushing empty wheelchair like he is ready to get for someone elderly getting off the plane that needs wheelchair.
My respond, "I'm just look for something close-by for fast-food, not resturant." He asked me if I like Burger King. My answered, "yeah!" then he told be to go down ... Blah blah blah. I said, "thank you!" with smile on my face. He smiled, " you're welcome." So I assumed maybe it isn't that far. The long I walk the farther it seems to be. Then I spotted a resturant next to it that said to take out only. So I went there. There is nothing spark my interest. However there is wrap sandwich. So I went ahead and got it and buy it. The lady said something which I do not understood her. Then she gave a guesture with a fingres that show cross then put her hands on chest as for hug. Jesus loves you. I was like... Geez. Instead, I said, "yeah, I know." Then she smiled and said "happy Easter." I said, " you too" for a moment I did almost forgotten there is Easter this coming Sunday. I am so use to have Easter in April.
The plane delay again 11pm then 11:15pm. There was announcement. This time there is one way flight. People clapping their hands. Plus they switch plane since it is still mechinical problem. Finally, the plane arrived. And we left 11:25pm. I couldn't go to sleep because people in front row were busying flashing lights with their camera and cell phone's camera. It is really annoying they kept doing it. Part of me hoping they would stop soon but they kept going until arrive Dallas. The plane arrived 1:20am. I was hungry, tried, and really cranky.
When I looked around, there is lights off with only small light down the hallway. It look closed. The airport does close by midnight. Part of me am glad that my parent were there cuz there is no transportation.
On the way, we stop at Jack in the Box then came home. Reese was really exciting when I came home.
Right now, I felt peace. Plus it does feels alittle funny for eveytime I look at my pager, I was kinda hoping to hear from Amy. It will take a while. Same thing when I feel funny when my grandma died and she no longer send birthday cards and christmas cards. I'm use to that. So it will take a while to accept and wouldn't receive any more msg from Amy and my grandma.
R.I.P Amy~ March 19, 2008. ~ You will be missed but not forgot.
Well, I think I better stop.
Happy Easter!
I met her through my boyfriend, John. (Who is now my ex). It was at night during winter. I couldn't remember which month but I do remember it was snowing. Amy and I talk many different things for several hours, almost all night. My first impressions are smart, outgoing and scarcastic. She certain has a way with her words. Something about her spark my interest.
However, the story I hear from Amy, she said that she first saw me when I was in HMB building as I walk pass her, she couldn't help but want to look at my behind. So she did. Her first thought was I am way out of her league. Also, she watches me when I'm at cafeteria. First thing she sees me as straight.
Well, even though I act straight and wear female outfit and attract to males, part of me is very curious. I did had my first crush on christian female friend. I never said a word and minding my own business. I act causual like it is nothing.
That christian female friend of mine is married and have children.
Anyway, back to that story...
After a while, Amy want to set up as a group for all of us go together to Six Flags. Something had came up, people changed their mind and would not go. Amy seem very disappointed. I tried to cheer her up by coming over and ask her why not we just go ahead and go. She seem isn't in the mood.
Later I found out that, Amy trying to have a date with me but going out in a group. It is more of discreet way. I didn't know that what Amy was trying to do. So she tried to come up with other way. However, there isn't other way.
Finally, Jan 1st, Amy contact me through IM, she confessed that she had a crush on me. I wasn't expect that. I thought she wasn't interesting in me since she did avoiding me, sometimes.
I was surprised and she shared some poems with me that she wrote for me that she did wrote during time we were together.
John had really interfere a lot of ways. For one, John had said something that he thinks that would happen, so I talk to Amy and I discover it isn't true. It happens often in different situtations. John would twist in every way.
At the end, I broke up with John but I made him thinks that he's breaking up with me. I let him have his last words. He always have a last words.
After awhile, Amy got into coma and forgot everything had happened between me and Amy plus she forgotten her family. As usual, John didn't tell me that Amy still remeber me and John but does not remember her parent and rest of her family. John left out the part that Amy remebers me. Anyway, I thought that was it. It was the end. I thought it was fate. So I did not come back. I left.
After long time, I still kept thinking of Amy. I managed to push aside. It has been long time. I finally decided to contact Amy, again. We finally had been clear up a lot of misunderstanding and it was really John cuz this first place.
What's done is done but I do not have regrets. I'm glad that I had a chance to contact her and clear up. She and I are becoming best friends.
We did plan to have vacation to get together but sadly Amy have to leave and go to heaven. Her lungs are collesping.
Part of me is hoping that isn't true. Part of me is hoping that is just overreacting. So I contact few of my friends then I contact my 2nd mom. Finally, I decided to contact hopstial. Turn out, it wasn't overreacting. Since my money is limited plus I do not feel comfortable going alone. However, I was desperate to go from Texas to Minn.
I decided to contact 3 male friends (lucky, they are single and 2 are open-minded). Reason why is that I do not want John try to..... Ummm get me back, again or draw me into relationship with him. I know 2 male friends of mine would get along and act like they are my boyfriends or like a relationship, just to cover up. It is best way to prevent from.... John... I don't want to be around him alone. Sadly, they can't.
So I went ahead and contact a good friend of mine from Missiouri. When she said, yes. I was relieved and thrill. So I quickly contact my job to have someone to cover me. I was told to call next day. I dislike that. Instead, I went ahead and called several hours later, trun out, they have it cover. Again, I was relieved. I was very anixious. It is possible they will remove the breathing support on Thursday or Friday. So I want to be there by Wedensday, hopefully to be alone with her or something like that.
Wed, March 19th. I called hopstial and talk to Amy's mother. She said that they will disconnect the tube tonight. My first thought, I hope to be there before they do that. The early flight is 2 30pm... I arrived 4 45pm. I decided to tell Amy's mother, that I will arrive airport at 5pm. Part of me glad that I did cuz that gave me alittle bit more time. I got on shuttle on way to hotel that is near hosptial. My friend was driving to Minn. Some people find hard to believe that she is driving. Well, I think it is much cheaper than flight. Since mine is 500 dollars plus tax. It is rather expensive but not bad for last minutes. I was glad that my parent were willing to pay as long as I pay back because at first, they were not but when I mention that I will pay back then they will buy the plane ticket.
I couldn't sleep since Monday night and I barely eat much since I was on emotional. Part of me am glad that I'm taking prozac otherwise I might not be able to do anything. When I was on shuttle and it is close to 5 30pm. I called the hotel to double check that they reserved the room plus it have to be at least 10 minutes request for shuttle of half hour to one hour. My first thought I want to leave by 5 30 but I think it was too soon. So I did request for 6pm. Turn out I arrived at hotel 535pm. I knew that wasn't enough time. Meanwhile, I contact my friend to see where she was at. She said she should be there abt 15 minutes or so.
What's funny part? My friend told me that she arrived at hotel. So I came down at the evelator turn out she came up 3rd floor. Somehow, we missed each other as we continue contace as "where are you, now". I laughed when I found out that she's on 3rd floor then I turn around and came up while she told me that she will stay on 3rd floor. I was relieved and not so nervous anymore when I saw her. We chat breifly then on way to hopstial. Thank goodness for shuttle from hotel to hosptial. It certain save time of where should park and driving around to find hopstial, too. That really makes a differences. We arrived. I know my friend doesn't know Amy or anyone. I figured she might feel comfortable staying in family/waiting room. So I asked her if she want to stay. She said yes. I'm glad that she is there because when I'm in the room where family, John, and Amy, back of my head I know my friend is in the waiting room. I feel comfortable knowing she is there nearby.
My first saw was John. He hugged me then hold me. He started to cry. My first thought, who cares... I'm here for Amy, not John. I just being polite and ask how's going and etc. Finally, I ask can I see Amy? I was really anixious to see her. Back of my mind, I remind myself that Amy is on heavy medication and that she may not reconzed or still asleep. John and I walked down the hallway and chatting about Amy's situation. We stop at the curtian that half open and light is off. The only light that shine is from hallway. I saw family but I haven't see Amy. As John continue chatting, I saw alittle boy come up to me twice. By the third time, he approach me again, then walk back to the room. John asked, did you know that is Nicholas? My respond, I saw him in picture, is that him? John got Nicholas and we were being introduce. I saw a beautiful blue eyes. We were litterally looked into our eyes. That is Amy's son. I asked him, "may I have a hug?" He quickly gave me hug and then walk back to the room. John gave me yellow paper thing that covers our chest and down to knee. John is also put himself on. The moment we walk in the room, I quickly took my deep breath as I tried to fight my emotional back. John introduce me with Amy's parent, aunt, sisters and interpreter. I know one of her sister is blind since she has Usher Syndome. I spoke hi with her name. She nodded. Finally, I saw Sharon. John's wife. I have met her couple times. I came up to her and hugged her.
Finally, I approach to Amy which she lay on bed with breathing tube. Her eyes are half open. I was speechless. She doesn't look good. I stood nearby and hold her cold hand. John approach me and told me that she can't see due to heavy medication since her eyesights are blur. However, he told that that I can speak to her in her ear. So I did, "hey Amy, this is Crystal... This is Crystal, I'm here." She nodded. My heart just jumped. I told her, "I care and I love you." couple times. I sat on extra chair just like everyone else sitting. John told me that it felt right that he and I were there. I admit that I was kinda surprised to hear that from him.
I found out they will remove the breathing tube around 7pm. Because next step will be life support; however, several days ago, she made it clear that she doesn't want life support. So, they have to go ahead and remove the breathing tube.
So now, we are saying "good-byes". We are taking turn. First parents, sisters, aunts, John then me... Last is Sharon and Nicholas. I did said, "good-bye and I will see you soon." What I meant is that I know I will see her someday weather I die old or by car accident but I know I will see her again.
When mother explain to Amy that nurses will remove the breathing tube. She idmently grab the tube and try to pull it out herself. Her mother told her to be patience and let nurses do that for you.
John told me that Amy had tried to remove that tube, yesterday. Something tells me that she is ready to die.
We came out in hall. I went to waiting room and letting my friend know. After a while, Sharon came and got me. I told Sharon, "thank you for getting me." She nodded. I arrived, they were waiting in hallway. I spotted John's youngest daughter in her 20's. She was surprised to see me. I just nod and wait.
I saw nurses in Amy room. I figure that they give her medication and remove the tube. That medication is to prevent from feeling any pains.
They left then we all came back in. Amy is breathing on her own alittle bit for a while. Part of me is hoping that she's able to continue to breath on her own; however, her last breath, I saw her face turn to pale and her lips turn to gray. It only take a second. Next thing I saw, at least I think I see it, a smoke or fog-like is right above amy's body. I blink then it is gone. Again it take only split seconds. I was crying, others were crying. Amy's mother and other family are close by with Amy. I was pretty much in distance. Amy's mother left her position. I quickly went over just to be close to Amy. Deep down I knew Amy is watching us. John is manage to go to closeby Amy on other side of bed across from me. We both looked at Amy as we saying good byes. I notice her aunt didn't like that but I ingore her. Few moments, I notice Amy's mother came back and standing behind me. Then I back off and gave her postion back. That was my plan is to give her postion back. John gave me a look with puzzle. I told him, she's a mother. I know my mom want to be nearby if that happen to me, too. John respond, "understood."
Everybody was hugging but me. I was crying plus somewhat left out. Unexpectly, John's daughter pulled me for a hug. I was surprised because she seems didn't like me and basically she ingored me when I first met her. She tried hog all attention to John. I just back off and let her because I know that she is daughter and he is father. She was kinda rude. However, this time the situtation was different. We all have group hugged then invdiual hugs. Finally, everyone and I join hands and prayed. Amy's father prayed then John prayed.
Finally, John had asked me what's my plan. I told him that I only ate was peanuts and orange juice. Truth is I wasn't hungry since I was in emotional. I do know my stomach is empty and I must eat something. John did said that I can ride van with them and my friend can ride with his daughter. I do not want to be alone.... Espeically with John even though Sharon will be there. I refused. I mention, I prefer to be with my friend. John's daughter said that she has a room for two people in her car. I nodded.
After a while, we got lost. Part of me is glad that wasn't my friend and I. We just tag along and let them find the resturant.
Finally, we found it. As we got out of the car, John waited and watching. My friend walk forward. John really had to ask, Kare you two together?" My respond, "no!" John said that I refuse to be alone and that I require to be with her. And that I seems to be close. I told him that she and I were roomates. I couldn't picture myself with her. I only see her as my best friend, my sister, that's all I see her. I couldn't see anything farther than that. Part of me is glad that he couldn't figure out what the real reason. I do not want to be alone around John. No matter what! We continue to eat and chatting different things.
I decided to lied that my plane leaves tomorrow(Thurs) since my plane leaves Friday for I do not want to see them again.
John's daughter dropped us off. We arrive back to hotel room. We chatting for next few hours.
You know what? I'm just am glad that I get to see Amy and I'm glad I had a chance to say good bye. I'm glad that I made my choice to fly over. In fact, I felt more peace than I was before. Most of all, I'm really am glad that my friend was there.
Next morning, my friend had told me that something had came up and had to go back home. I was disappointed. I don't want to be alone. Then I realize, I'm not going to see John again. So it really doesn't matter. She seems to hestate to leave. I told her that there are resturants, and couple fast food nearby. Or I can take shuttle to hosptial for cafeteria. I will be fine. So, she left.
You know what else?? I couldn't ask for better timing. I arrive just right on time before Amy died. I had a chance to say good bye. And I don't have to put up seeing John for another day alone while my friend had gone back home. It is truly blessing. What's even more, I'm glad that my friend had left because I realize I haven't being alone for long time. Even my parent gone for dating but that was short. It has been long to be alone for long hours. In fact I enjoy being by myself.
Next day, I flew from Minn to St. Loius Missiouri. My next flight was suppose to be 6 30pm; however it postpone 8:30pm then 9:10pm then 9:50pm. There was announcement. I had to asked. I found out that there was mechinical problem and that we may have to fly other city then to Dallas. I decided to get something to eat. Since I don't feel comfortable about eating resturant. I prefer fast food to go. I do not want to miss my flight if things had changed and I didn't know espeically, I can't understand over the speaker. I spotted a map on the board. I was disapointed is that all are resturant and if you want fast food, it has to be outside of security.
Sudeenly, I hear something like someone talk behind my back. Thanks to the big store where I work, that is not unusual when they think I'm hearing and they tend to talk behind my back. I trained myself to catch it otherwise, they think I ingore them. I turned my head, "mmmm?" this guy said again, " can I help you finding something?" that guy who sems to work there. He had vest on and he's pushing empty wheelchair like he is ready to get for someone elderly getting off the plane that needs wheelchair.
My respond, "I'm just look for something close-by for fast-food, not resturant." He asked me if I like Burger King. My answered, "yeah!" then he told be to go down ... Blah blah blah. I said, "thank you!" with smile on my face. He smiled, " you're welcome." So I assumed maybe it isn't that far. The long I walk the farther it seems to be. Then I spotted a resturant next to it that said to take out only. So I went there. There is nothing spark my interest. However there is wrap sandwich. So I went ahead and got it and buy it. The lady said something which I do not understood her. Then she gave a guesture with a fingres that show cross then put her hands on chest as for hug. Jesus loves you. I was like... Geez. Instead, I said, "yeah, I know." Then she smiled and said "happy Easter." I said, " you too" for a moment I did almost forgotten there is Easter this coming Sunday. I am so use to have Easter in April.
The plane delay again 11pm then 11:15pm. There was announcement. This time there is one way flight. People clapping their hands. Plus they switch plane since it is still mechinical problem. Finally, the plane arrived. And we left 11:25pm. I couldn't go to sleep because people in front row were busying flashing lights with their camera and cell phone's camera. It is really annoying they kept doing it. Part of me hoping they would stop soon but they kept going until arrive Dallas. The plane arrived 1:20am. I was hungry, tried, and really cranky.
When I looked around, there is lights off with only small light down the hallway. It look closed. The airport does close by midnight. Part of me am glad that my parent were there cuz there is no transportation.
On the way, we stop at Jack in the Box then came home. Reese was really exciting when I came home.
Right now, I felt peace. Plus it does feels alittle funny for eveytime I look at my pager, I was kinda hoping to hear from Amy. It will take a while. Same thing when I feel funny when my grandma died and she no longer send birthday cards and christmas cards. I'm use to that. So it will take a while to accept and wouldn't receive any more msg from Amy and my grandma.
R.I.P Amy~ March 19, 2008. ~ You will be missed but not forgot.
Well, I think I better stop.
Happy Easter!
Friday, March 14, 2008
Springtime
Humid turn to rain then sky is clearing up with cool breeze and warm from the sun. Well, I wouldn't be surprise if the tempture dropped down so suddenly with snow again. It sure bounce back and forth. Either it's mother's nature or global warming.
At work is crazy. Yep, half the workers don't do their work while others do their work. Some days are slow and some days are busy. Some custmers are nice and some are not. Truth is I don't care. I just minding my own buisness. I'm there to work when there no other jobs.
I couldn't wait to go back to school and finished up. Well, I'm still working on to visit couple more colleges. I did went one same college twice. Its really nice. I can picture myself staying there but the major isn't what I picture. What am I looking for is something working experinces or hand-on experiences or 21 hours of working during week when you have classes. That college doesn't provide one. Point is that one of professor told me is that I have a lot of knowlege in biology field. Only problem is that I don't have a lot of experiences. That's why I'm searching for it.
Meanwhile, I was watching A&E, Helen Keller. I was truly amazing. After Helen learned the word "water" has a meaning, she went to school. Unlike all the blind children, she learn far more and pick up real quick. Now her words are best friend to her. She even fund-raising for the blinds. First time was 2,000 dollars after few years, she raised hundred and thousand dollars. What truly amazing me is that Helen wants to learn to speak. Not bad at all. I just heard her speaking. She's good. She also helped many more deafs and blinds. It is truly amazing. What I like about Helen is her poems and quotes.
It shows Gallaudet College, too. I know, I always find deaf history truly preasure. I guess school doesn't really teach about deaf history. They only focus black history and in general such as All about U.S.A. Yeah, I mean no dispeact to balck history nor to USA but I'm tired of hearing them. I want to learn more about deaf history.
At work is crazy. Yep, half the workers don't do their work while others do their work. Some days are slow and some days are busy. Some custmers are nice and some are not. Truth is I don't care. I just minding my own buisness. I'm there to work when there no other jobs.
I couldn't wait to go back to school and finished up. Well, I'm still working on to visit couple more colleges. I did went one same college twice. Its really nice. I can picture myself staying there but the major isn't what I picture. What am I looking for is something working experinces or hand-on experiences or 21 hours of working during week when you have classes. That college doesn't provide one. Point is that one of professor told me is that I have a lot of knowlege in biology field. Only problem is that I don't have a lot of experiences. That's why I'm searching for it.
Meanwhile, I was watching A&E, Helen Keller. I was truly amazing. After Helen learned the word "water" has a meaning, she went to school. Unlike all the blind children, she learn far more and pick up real quick. Now her words are best friend to her. She even fund-raising for the blinds. First time was 2,000 dollars after few years, she raised hundred and thousand dollars. What truly amazing me is that Helen wants to learn to speak. Not bad at all. I just heard her speaking. She's good. She also helped many more deafs and blinds. It is truly amazing. What I like about Helen is her poems and quotes.
It shows Gallaudet College, too. I know, I always find deaf history truly preasure. I guess school doesn't really teach about deaf history. They only focus black history and in general such as All about U.S.A. Yeah, I mean no dispeact to balck history nor to USA but I'm tired of hearing them. I want to learn more about deaf history.
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Snow II
Yep, last time was snowing that melted into the ground. Until today, there's heavy snow. The snow flakes are so thick and rounded almost size between dimes and quarters. I was thill when I saw white blanket on the ground, bushes, and trees. I quickly dressed warmly and grabbed my camera. First thought of my mind is winter wonderland.
I came out and I wouldn't let Reese out. I want to take a pictures where's untouched. I took a lot of pictures.
Finally, I let Reese out. Reese was uncertain about the snow. She had been introduce to snow last year but seem like she didn't remember. Snow doesn't last long here. She was being catious. I told Reese, "its a snow" I feel like I'm teaching toddler. I said again, "what is it?" she looked at me, "its a snow." She start snuffing and smelling around then she finally had courage to walk on the snow. I smiled and took couple pictures.
My mom is also got dressed warm as dad had came home from work then we all went out to take more pictures. We taking each other pictures. After, we are done. I took couple more pictures of Reese. Espeically when she bend down half way, that's postion means ready to play? I got a perfect shot.
Meanwhile, my boss contacted me and asked me to come to work. I told her I cannot drive in the snow. Which it is true. She said if the road is clear then please come. Ha, it still snowing outside. I don't think I would come anyway, I might not come weather road is clear or not. It is too dangerous. I rather live than have car accident. Maybe road is fine but I rather be safe than sorry. That's me. I bet a lot of people doesn't show up for work, today. It is snowing outside. It is safer to be in house. Maybe living in North is different since a lot of people experinces driving in snow plus snowpiling machine to get rid of snows off the street. There isn't snowpiling here. Last year, there was more car accident during snowing. I won't be surprised it wld be same this year. Even weatherman warned people and they didn't listen.
Anyway, my parents got in first and few minutes later, I came in. We were helping each other cooking dinner. After a while, they didn't need my help, I went upstairs to watch some tv. When dinner is ready, we goggle up that meat loaf, cooked cabbage, corn bread, mashed potato, cumcumbers, tomatos, and onions. Oh, there's black eye-peas added some green beans in it. Yummy!
Finally, we watched LOST. I had pretty good, today. I'm sure my parent is enjoying, too. It was really nice.
I came out and I wouldn't let Reese out. I want to take a pictures where's untouched. I took a lot of pictures.
Finally, I let Reese out. Reese was uncertain about the snow. She had been introduce to snow last year but seem like she didn't remember. Snow doesn't last long here. She was being catious. I told Reese, "its a snow" I feel like I'm teaching toddler. I said again, "what is it?" she looked at me, "its a snow." She start snuffing and smelling around then she finally had courage to walk on the snow. I smiled and took couple pictures.
My mom is also got dressed warm as dad had came home from work then we all went out to take more pictures. We taking each other pictures. After, we are done. I took couple more pictures of Reese. Espeically when she bend down half way, that's postion means ready to play? I got a perfect shot.
Meanwhile, my boss contacted me and asked me to come to work. I told her I cannot drive in the snow. Which it is true. She said if the road is clear then please come. Ha, it still snowing outside. I don't think I would come anyway, I might not come weather road is clear or not. It is too dangerous. I rather live than have car accident. Maybe road is fine but I rather be safe than sorry. That's me. I bet a lot of people doesn't show up for work, today. It is snowing outside. It is safer to be in house. Maybe living in North is different since a lot of people experinces driving in snow plus snowpiling machine to get rid of snows off the street. There isn't snowpiling here. Last year, there was more car accident during snowing. I won't be surprised it wld be same this year. Even weatherman warned people and they didn't listen.
Anyway, my parents got in first and few minutes later, I came in. We were helping each other cooking dinner. After a while, they didn't need my help, I went upstairs to watch some tv. When dinner is ready, we goggle up that meat loaf, cooked cabbage, corn bread, mashed potato, cumcumbers, tomatos, and onions. Oh, there's black eye-peas added some green beans in it. Yummy!
Finally, we watched LOST. I had pretty good, today. I'm sure my parent is enjoying, too. It was really nice.
Monday, March 03, 2008
Snowing
Yep, it is already snowing here. I notice for past 2 years and now this is 3rd year, mostly it snow during Feb and March until after Easter things will be warmer and hot.
Last night, there was thunderstorm. I knew Reese hates to be alone. I was in my bed and Reese is in other room with door closed. I saw light flashes thru my window. So I got up and open the door. Reese was kinda surprised that I open the door. Then she walked in with her tail wagging. I mean when she's exiciting her tail would go in circle. If she's happy, her tail would wag back and forth. If she's light happy, her tail would softly wagging.
Her tail is going in circle as she walked in my bedroom and lay on the floor and still wagging. I smiled and closed the door. I gave her my loving as I pet her. She licked my face. I knew that she was very much appreicated. She really hates thunderstorm. She's ok as long as she is with somebody. Reese was asleep next to bed as I am in my bed. She's hate to be alone during thunderstorm.
Reese is such a big baby and she's still a baby to me. I loved her and still do.
Last night, there was thunderstorm. I knew Reese hates to be alone. I was in my bed and Reese is in other room with door closed. I saw light flashes thru my window. So I got up and open the door. Reese was kinda surprised that I open the door. Then she walked in with her tail wagging. I mean when she's exiciting her tail would go in circle. If she's happy, her tail would wag back and forth. If she's light happy, her tail would softly wagging.
Her tail is going in circle as she walked in my bedroom and lay on the floor and still wagging. I smiled and closed the door. I gave her my loving as I pet her. She licked my face. I knew that she was very much appreicated. She really hates thunderstorm. She's ok as long as she is with somebody. Reese was asleep next to bed as I am in my bed. She's hate to be alone during thunderstorm.
Reese is such a big baby and she's still a baby to me. I loved her and still do.
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