Who Am I?

That is the most common question that people asked.

It is not about I am teacher, student, mother of three children, single, older sister, or doctor. Those are titles. They don’t really mean anything. It is not who I am.

I often puzzle by that. That is what they always said. I never understood. I just kept going. I realize going through experiences and faces tough situations. Those are the reason to discover who am I.

My mom said “You were like a young stallion that is impossible to be tamed.” She’s right.

I fought hard and wouldn’t give up. I stand up for myself when I have to. Even my parents tried so hard to do things to teach me proper way. What they were doing is they do not know how to be parents. That’s why they couldn’t get through me.

I do not remember this story, my mom told me that when I was young, I held my mom’s hand tight and I said, “No, no, no, no” in a very serious tone of voice to that person. Look back, my mom didn’t realize until now that person was abusing me. Strange, I was not being taught what abuse is yet, I know that’s wrong. I find that amazing. I’m amazing to myself!

As I got older and have my first boyfriend, he did said things that he shouldn’t. For example:
After a long trip, I was driving and my boyfriend slept half the time. As I was on the way home, he woke up with full of energy. We’re almost home. He asked me to stop by the library; it’s past the house and down the few red lights. He wants to go to the computer since we didn’t have computer at home. I told him that I’m too tried and I want to go home since it is getting late. He said, “Too bad! You MUST take me to the library!” I was like “What?... Fine! I’m going to stop at the house and let you drive to the library by yourself.” As I drove up to the driveway, I gave him the car keys. He didn’t take it. He went inside and pouts. He sat on the chair with his arm crossing. He didn’t turn on TV or anything. I just ignore and mind my business.

Another example:
We were college students; I was busy doing my homework. He finished his homework early. He said that he’s hungry. I told him to fix something to eat. There’s peanut butter and Jelly so make yourself a sandwich. He demanded me to make it for him. Notice?? He didn’t ask nicely. He demanded. I told him to make it yourself. You have arms and legs. It is right there. We are staying in a single room. There is no hallway or upstairs. Only he have to do is few steps and use his arms to make it. It’s not that difficult even a kid can do that. That’s what I told him. He got upset. He went to sit on the chair and pout. One hour later, he demanded again. I gave a shot looked at him and ignore him. I was continued to do my homework.

He kept doing that almost often in so many different things. I didn’t appreciate of what he’s doing. In a year later, I left him.

My second boyfriend was so much better than him (I thought it was but it wasn’t). He was being good to me. He showered me with love and affections. We taking turns and we communicate if things were going not right. We did argue but we gave ourselves some space and talk it out when we were ready. I thought he was the right one for me. My friends think I should not be with him. I didn’t care what they think. This is my life and this is my choice. I’m happy! I asked them to be happy for me. They left. So, I made new friends. Everything was going smooth.

Until, we were into serious level of the relationship, I felt like everything I did was wrong. I felt like everything my fault. I cause this relationship chaos. I try to figure out and get back the way it was. He blamed on me for everything.

One day, he blamed on me for failing his math class. I told him no, I didn’t do anything to make you fail your math class. He said I did. We argued. Somehow, he brought this subject up to use it as compare. He said about the two cars, one car went through the red light and hit the other car because the car goes through the green light. He said that the red light car is at fault. However, the green light car caused the accident. He made it sound so convincing. Look the way how he twisted. At first, I told him, no. He said yes. I admit that did confuse me. He sure sound so convincing that is true. So, I asked few people who I trusted the most. Especially to the counselor, I had to make sure. Several people and the counselor said no. Now I know where I stand.

Other example:
I don’t remember what the argument was. Every time, we were just talking and often it lead to argue. We kept argue and leads to nowhere. Suddenly, I realize that he wasn’t looking at me and wasn’t listening. He was not having eye contacting me. He looked at different direction. I stopped talking. He still was babbling on. I almost walked away and knew that he would still babble. Few more seconds, he realized that I stopped talking. He looked straight into my eyes and said “You’re not as smart as I thought you were!” That did piss me off. However, I just nodded. He seemed satisfied like he won.

Other example:
I told my 2nd bf that I need some money since I am broke. He doesn’t have any and I know I have to pay the bill. He knows it too. So, I borrowed some money from my parent. They mailed it and I did deposit. I haven’t written the check, yet. Somehow, he took my money without my permission and uses it. I was not happy about that when I found out. I asked him what he did with my money. He said that he wants to help paying my bills and that he want to be responsible for it. He wants to take care of me. I asked him again. He said that he spend on the foods and something else. I asked him then how would you pay my bills? Sound like to me that you only care about yourself and not me. Boy, he was so upset what I just said and he hit me. I stepped back and told him to leave. He refused. I grab the phone and I told him if you refuse then I will call the police. (He’s stupid). He said, “They are not going to believe you.” I respond, “I’m willing to take the risk, do you??” He left.

I was broke and didn’t have the money to pay my bills. So, I borrowed my friend’s money. (And I did pay back later.) Without a word, I left. My friends think I should not leave him and my friends believe him. He said all the lies about me. I didn’t care. My parents didn’t know about this situation.

Looking back, I realize who I am and what I am. I didn’t care what other people thinks of me. I do ask for advice and stuff like that but I’m not letting them control my life. I never try to please them. I look out for myself. I stand up for what I believe and let no one pull me down unless I let them. (That’s what Eleanor Roosevelt said.)

Who am I? I’m determine, strong-willed, independent, sweet, loveable, and spiritual.

Garfield and Odie

Notice the title?

That's explain it all, right?

Few weeks ago, I asked my parents to babysit for my dog, Reese, on weekend. I would not be home and know my dog would not like that. Before I left, I gave her favorite peanut butter rawhide.She carried in her mouth everywhere she goes.

My mom have to keep an eye on her because sometimes she would tempting to chase her cat. It was beautiful outside. She likes to sit ouside and drink coffee in the mornings. Both pets were outside, too. Reese buried her bone. My mom's cat name is Tom-Tom (his sign name is TT, so I would use TT). He watched Reese. TT walked up to the buried area and sniff like he's letting her know where she's buried. Reese started to charge to TT. My mom stopped Reese. She didn't like it when my mom stopped her. After TT left and Reese go unburied and buried another place. TT did again and again. On 3rd round, Reese was just whined then my mom realized and decided to watch. She couldn't believe that TT was giving Reese hard time. TT did go to Reese buried place. My mom got TT and shoo him away. So TT didn't bother anymore.

Rascal TT, it seem like my mom have to keep an eye on both. Hahaha.

Curious: Does anyone like the idea of change different color of the prints or would it be better all same one color? Also, do you like for me to add pix or without? Just wondering.

Two quotes of the day: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

It is not fair to ask of others what you are unwilling to do yourself. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Fact or Fiction?

Now there are 2 different stories. Beginning of the story is the same but at the end there are 2 fork of roads. Now, which one is true or false??

There was a young girl about 7 or 8 years old. She was visiting at her grandparent’s house. Her grandparent’s live in the country. There were only 4 houses in the neighborhood. She remembered how much a long, long drive on the dirt and rocky road is. She’s usually go to one neighborhood where another young girl who sometimes visits her grandparents, too. Unfortunately, she wasn’t there. It was spring and Easter time is coming. We arrived early before all other in the family come over.

One day, she was bored. She asked her parents’ permission to take a walk down to the deadened road and back to grandparents’ house by herself. Her mother said “Be Careful” in her serious voice. She disliked when her mother worried too much. She responded, “Mommy, I’ll be fine. I will be careful!” She ran off before her mother said anything. Everything was spring! There were flowers blooming and birds singing. She could smell a sweet fragrance. There was nobody around. The houses were seemed quiet as usual. She decided to tiptoe dancing around on the grass next to the dirt road. At the end of the road, there was forest. Mostly were pine trees. She pictured herself being off somewhere fantasy and someplace in enchanted. She knew that she had to go back before her mother get worried by her staying there at the end of the road too long. Finally, she walked back.

Out of the blue, there was a dark blue pickup truck drove by and stopped. The man moved from driver seat to passenger seat then open the door and came out. He had his map in his hands and opened them up to show her the map. He asked for a direction because he had lost. She made a choice to step backward, “I do not know the area because I am visiting my grandma.” He was being pushy and he stepped forward toward her and asking her if she can see the name of the road called “Haley Court Road.” She stepped backward; again, “I’m sorry, you are asking the wrong person, go to gas station.” She leaned back with uncertain and be alert toward to the man. She was wondering what was he is going to do next. She was unhappy when the man tried to come up to her third time. She stepped backward more farther than before. She lied, “I’m sorry this is my first time visiting at my grandma’s house and I do not know the area.” Man got frustrated and got in the truck and left. He was long gone. She arrived home safely and decided to stay in the house rest of the week. Only time she was willing to go out as long if there was one of the family member was outside.

ANOTHER folk of the road, what happen to her if she decided to lean forward?

Every trips and vacations, her father had showed her how to read map. She always enjoyed learning the direction and name of roads. Her father let her to be navigator on the road. It is the parents’ way to prevent from her daughter to get bored on the road trip.When the man arrived with the map, she leaned forward to the map and trying to find the Haley Court Road. Suddenly, the man grabbed her and jerked in the truck. He took off of her clothes and raped her. After he had done with her, he killed her. He dumped her about half mile and left. The man was never found.

So, which one is true or false… or is it both are true or is it both are false??? Please, feel free to explain why?

The answer will come...

True friend is rare.

"A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you today just the way you are."~ Robert Louis Stevenson

I have many familiar friends but not close. Every path that I made a choice, they refuse to accept me as a friendship just because the path that I had chosen to go. They warned me not to go. I heard their warned. I told them this is my choice and I’m asking for support, if not then I shall go alone. So I did go alone.

I made new friends along the path I went until I decided to change the new path. I asked my new friends to support me. They refused. They think I’m silly to throw away this path. Again, I left alone.

I made new friends. Will they stay and support me or will they leave? I would not be surprised that they leave if I made the choice to change the different path. I grow accustom to it. Friends come and gone and family stays. Yes, that is very true that the family will stay and support of every decision that I made. I am forever grateful that my parents had show their love and support for who I am. However, parent will not live for a long time.

“Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.” ~Helen Keller

Well, Helen, I rather walk alone in the light with Spirits than walk with a friend in the dark.

What kind of exercises have you tried?

It is a question from a very good friend of mine, Jennifer.

Mostly, I've been walking and walking and walking. That when I was in college and afterward, my dog.

Well, I remember, I did take self-defense class, 3 different kinds of swimming, and scuba. I’ve tried to exercise as often as I can. I thought by going to classes might help me to lose weight; however, it didn’t. Maybe it is because of my eating habit while I was there. I did remember that I look all the pictures. I compared. I was bloated like a balloon. My mom told me that is because of all the salts. I have realized that is true. I’ve been eating high salts and sugars.

Afterward, I decided to cut down my salts and sugars. I asked my mom not to add salts in food. She is very good cooked. When she made turnip greens, I thought there were salts or bacon in it. She said no. WOW! That’s good. My weight and size did lose some; however, I wasn’t seemed as bloated as I am today compare couple years ago.

I read the “Figure” magazine from the Lane Bryant. It is the plus size clothing store. I found out that the soda and sparkling (carbonated) drinks will take away your calcium. Our body needs calcium and women don’t get enough of calcium because of sparkling and sodas. I quit cold turkey. I notice it is so much easier for me to quit cold turkey. I haven’t drink soda since August 2005 until January 2006, I just drink one can of soda. That is the last time I drank in January. I have been drinking water, tea, Crystallite, and sometime juices. I have lost another inch down. It was amazing how much salts, sodas, and sugars can make you bloated. I have notice walking and swimming didn’t help me lose weight but at least I do enjoy doing those.

While, I was in college, I went to Cruise during spring break. There were exercise classes and I only have to pay 10 dollars an hour. I saw one class that focuses on ABS and it is on Tuesday and Friday for one hour. So I did take it. I notice how my stomach went almost flat just 2 days a week for one hour. I had forgotten how to do that. I do not know why I didn’t continue. I didn’t really have the motive to continue. Also, I have to have a ball to go for that.

Motive is the key. I have the lack for it. Main reason is because I dislike exercise. It’s boring. I tolerances better when I go to swimming and walk my dog. I refuse to walk alone. That’s main reason why I decided to get a dog to help me to keep walking. I'm concern if I don't keep walking then I will gain more than I lose.

Also, I realize I’m more of a cat person, not a dog person. Hahaha Big mistake. I should have know. However, my dog, Reese had won my heart. I still kept my responsibility with her.

So, that's why I'm thinking about what is better way to get me motive to continue to increase my exercise by not just walking and swimming.

Hey, thanks for giving me a food for a thought. I am thinking about getting a large ball and video type for Yoga with a ball. I just hope to find a way to help myself to keep it up. Like I said, motive is the key!

Men

How much do we really know about men? They are mysterious as much as we are to men. Thanks to the books, we can learn a few things about men. I won't be surprised there are books about women for men to able to learn few things about women.

To single women, do you ever feel like men are goofballs? Just try to put in a nice word on the website. Some men are nice. Some men are weird. Some men are abusive. Some men are healthy. Some men are overweight. Some men are thin. Some men... blah blah blah.

After I date some men, I notice some are unavailable even they are single. Some are abusive types. I'm glad that I am able to notice the red flag warning signs. Since I had have learned my lesson. The statistics haven't proven yet but it is possible about 75% men are very abusive type. It is incredible. It is very low percent of non-abusive men. However, I did asked myself what make abusive men find me attractive?

Here's one theory, I did have couple of guys to chat with (who are abusive type, they didn't know that themselves.). I found out that their girlfriends are abusive type toward them. Weather or not, they are telling the truth. What really matter is that they are looking for non-abusive type woman like me. They found me and said I'm the right one for them. Yes, I may be, however; they are not the right one for me. I have come to realize that they have not improved on themselves. They are not willing to find out what they did wrong. They just dump them (or break up) and searching for non-abusive. They will do the repeat pattern with the healthy ones and abuse them. Think about it, abusive attractive to abusive. Negative will attract to negative. Since they had negative experience so they go out and look for positive person. They don't take time to look within. I wonder why they are not trying to improve themselves. Why they are not willing to go to counselor and work themselves out like women does? Well, I do know that not all women go to counselor by trying to work themselves out. I do know that some women are not willing to face the fact and truth. Some women had made choice to stick with an abusive relationship which I can name a few.

Here’s another theory, I am a chubby type woman. (Thanks goodness that I’m not overweight.) I also notice most men are chubby and overweight wants to date with me. I had previous date chubby guys. I think it is time for me to change my lifestyle. I did my best to exercise and eat right but it doesn’t seem enough. I barely lose weight. I have see and met a few who been taking diet pills. I notice how helpful it had been. However, is it worth the risk? I personally prefer anything that is natural such as eat right and exercise. Should I try to increase my exercise? I do know that I’m not big fan of exercise. I do get bored with it sometimes. I thought maybe have a dog would help me. I did exercise almost everyday. So I did the same thing while I was in college. What’s the difference??

Here's theory three, I think maybe there is possibility that there is vibes? I don’t know if that is true or not. Do I still project negative energy influence (was it called aurora)? If that is true then why men do find me positive and know that I am not abusive type?

I guess maybe I should increase my exercise. I do know that I never really like to exercise. I hope that I could find a way to increase. If I do that then I might be able to find healthy physically and mentally guy. I'm not going to lose weight just to find man. However, I have seen some healthy physical guys are abusive type too.

Be honest with you, if I couldn’t find non-abusive type of a guy then I rather live my life as a single woman. I am not trying to be sound like I’m giving up. I’m trying to face the facts. I may over-analyze. I am here to learn through error and trail. If I happen to find non-abusive type of a guy then great!!

In meantime, wish me a good luck; I hope that I will find a way to lose weight. That is my next challenge.