This story is about life and spiritual...
But first, my friends and strangers, allow me to let you know these are my words through my personal experiences. It is not meant to persuade or to change your belief. You may find my experiences offensive. I am giving you ahead of warning, I do not believe in Jesus. Please do feel free to observe, to comment, and to share or leave; however, if I find any hate remarks or try to against my belief then I may remove the comments.
I remember as a young girl, I was full of life. Everything is so bright and wonderful. I was very curious girl who want to put my hands on everything and everywhere. There was connection between God and I. I felt my heart as whole and I do not feel lonely. It almost like I’m having an imaginary friend and yet I do not have one. Strange, I never really have an imaginary friend. I talk to God and see him as a friend. I can sense love and warmth from him.
One day, my mom started to share with me of the Bible. It is all common stories that pass on. It is about Noah Ark, David and Goliath, Moses are the few examples that what adult teaches to the young. Later, my mom started to mention Jesus. My connection with God is gone. (You might be thinking is when the sinner starts aware and the child is no longer innocence and it need to accept Jesus first before you can connect with God. That is what I was told but it's not). Even though there is disconnected, I strongly remember God is still around me. I still can sense the love and warm but in distance.
Later in life, I grew up in a domestic violence by family and teachers (Notice the end with an S? Yes it is more than one teacher in my life who abused me). I was still young and did not fully understand. I was upset with God by not answer my prayer. I asked when will things changed? He answered it takes time. I respond when it will take times. I’ve waited a weeks and it becomes a month. I waited a month and it becomes a year. He made a promise and he didn’t keep his promise. I turn my back on God. I looked back and realized that domestic violence take years and years to heal and improve. It would not disappear overnight. I did not understand that. I was still young girl who was very frustrated. I was afriad. Between God and I are no longer in connection and not in distance, anymore. I built the wall between God and I. I was astonishing that God is still there with me even though I shut him out. HE still with me to protecting me even though I didn’t think I needed HIM. HE’s still there. God is mysterious, isn’t he?
One day, I went to Christian summer camp, I accepted Jesus Christ in my heart through King James Version the Holy Bible. My summer camp counselor who helped led me to accept Jesus. I cried and knew that I am willing to sacrifice my soul, heart, and life for Jesus. I spoke to counselor I told her that I do not feel the connection. She said that everybody is different and nobody is alike. Some people who accept Jesus and felt connect immediately and some don’t. Some people would take several years or one of the verses in the bible would give impact in their lives. Patience takes time. So I heed by her word.
Years and after years, I do not feel connection. I read bible and pray daily as best as humanly possible. I attend church every Sunday and Wednesday. I volunteer to help and join the activities. I did everything I could but nothing. I decided to stop attending and involving until I went to college. I went back to involve church and Christian activities. I study and read Bible. I attending Bible study and learn. My heart is still feeling empty. I was starting to feel like I am wearing a mask of being a Christian of what Christian people expect me to be as role model of Jesus Christ. I was starting to feel the burden. I did spoke to couple of pastors and Christian counselor. I told them. I did confirm that I believe in Jesus with all the verses I memorize via John 3:16 and few other verses. I, sacrifice my life, heart, and soul. I am willing and DO anything and everything for Jesus. Yet, I still feel empty. I feel like I’m losing. I feel like I couldn’t hold on anymore. My life is slipping away. I feel like I am walking around in a zombie. I felt something is missing in my heart. In my heart, I was screaming. I couldn’t take it anymore. I need help so badly and I have no one to turn to. No advice or guidance. Bible and verses are not helping me. Pastor, Christian friends, Christian counselor are acting like they “know-it-all” or “I’m lost. I do not know how to give you the guidance even though I know all the answers are in the Bible. Here is the Bible and here’s the answer. Everything is in the Bible this and that.” They don’t satisfy my question that I’m looking for.
Frustrated, I grabbed the razor and wanted to end my life. Suddenly, my hand froze. It wouldn’t move like something holding me back. So I dropped my razor and went to get help. I went to see counselor. Another year went by, I still feel like I’m walking around in zombie but least I’m not danger to my own life. I was being patience as best as I can be. I’ve come to realize I’ve meet a few people who tried to commit suicide but reasons are completely different from mine. One girl I know, she was unhappy because she became deaf in later age. So she tried to kill herself. One guy I know, he tried to kill himself because his girlfriend left him. I was desperate to search for an answer. Another girl tired to kill herself because she felt empty but found Jesus fulfills her heart. She’s no longer felt empty. I asked myself, what about me? Why do I feel empty? I felt like my heart was made of a Swiss cheese.
So, I asked my parents if it is okay for me to stay during the summer with them and do nothing for 3 months as I was trying to find my heart as a whole. I did. For three months, I read books that are relate to King James Version Bible with different people who have their experiences and give guidance. I took my time to think and analysis of who am I. My mom did notice something different about me. She mentioned to me that something isn’t right about you. Something like your spirit is gone. I told her I know. That’s what I am trying to find out. One day, I felt my heart is no longer a Swiss cheese. I was thrilled about that. I don’t know where is that come from or how did I found a way to fulfills my heart. I came back to college.
Unexpectedly, my soul jumped outside of my body. I didn’t like that. It felt exact the same thing as it was before. It was frustrated for me. I spoke to one of other counselor about this and expressing my frustrated. He said that I do know the answer. I told him if I do know the answer then how come I couldn’t respond? He just grinned. I dislike that when a person knows the answer and I don’t. I wasn’t happy about that. I want an answer now! We kept talking for a little while. Something pop in my head, it was fear. It was fear that prevent from me to find an answer and I was kind of relieve that I found something. May not the answer what I am looking for but it is a big step for me to face the fear and conquers it. Maybe I will find the answer. I was hoping.
So I took my time to find out what was that pieces of my soul jumped out of my body and I was walking around like a zombie. I know there is a name for it. It had to be a name of pieces of my soul jumped out of my body. I try to find a name. Just a name. I find it ironic that it is a name. Just one word would solve the puzzle. I know it had to be. I had come to realize that it was secure. The pieces of the soul called security. That was the name. The emptiness that I felt has a name. It was security. I felt safe when I was my parent’s home. That explained why I felt whole in my heart. I’ve realize the bible, church, and pastor are not the answer.
However, there was part of me still believe in Jesus and still want to have relationship with Jesus and God. So I continue to stay. I have desire to believe and I do believe in Jesus is son of God and that he gave his life for us on the cross. I still have this desire of connection with God as it was before. To be continue... for Part 2.
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