I notice that my piece of soul was still flicker like a candle in the wind. It was on and off. I struggled to have my pieces of soul, which is called security, to come back. I finally give up and trust the Lord. I noticed that I didn’t waste my energy to hold on. I just let it go. My piece of soul was continuing to flicker.
In another year, I met a guy. He used to be pastor of Baptist. He converted his belief. I was surprised to see someone who was Christian and no longer believe in Jesus. Curiosity got the best of me. I know that this is the guy who I can talk to with ton of questions that is so deep that many christians refuse to bring up or discuss about it. So, I took my time to talk with him. First time, I did enjoy the deepest philosophy conversation I ever had. He showed me that there are many different perspectives about Bible and there are misinterpret that people used today. I was totally in shocked. It was like my eyes were opened. However, I still couldn’t believe what I read. It was totally different of what my parents, pastor, and church people had taught me. It was like the whole world was shook up. I did share two or three Christians to found out if they see what I see. I had to make sure it wasn’t my mind twisted. They were shocked too. They read of what I read. Because of that, I lost friendships with them. I know one did accuse me a satanic worshipper. I was not happy to hear that. I know deep in my heart I want a relationship with God and Jesus. I asked my friend that what happen made you seem so resistance because my friend had read the same thing I read. My friend said I choice not to believe it. Even though there was evidence as clear as black and white. My friends know it and refuse to believe it. I came to realize I almost made that choice. I almost made a choice to refuse to believe even the evidence was in black and white. I was this close to continue the same path in Christian's path. I told my so-called-friend that I don’t appreciate to be called satanic worshipper. I told my friend that I wasn’t trying to convert your belief. If you want to leave then leave, then my friend and others had left me. I just sat with awe. I’ve realize CHOICE is most powerful thing in the world. We can make a choice to believe or not to believe. We can make a choice to do something or not to do something. Choice is most powerful thing to do. I almost made a choice by not believing of what the man had show me the truth of evidence. It doesn’t matter if there was evidence or not. What truly matter is that the choice that we all decided.
That gave me awake up called. So, I took my time to research. It was not study. It was research. I research and read totally different of what I was taught from the Bible. I never thought I found so many craps of what church and people said were not true. I was so upset and angry.
So, I took my time to study other religious to try to find what suit me. I was trying to find comfort. Nothing gave me comforts. There was part of me still felt empty.
Meanwhile, I met a man and I thought he was right one for me. Turn out, that he’s not. I left him. One month later, I’ve decided to give up all religions and refuse to believe in Jesus. I found the truth that Jesus isn’t son of God. I looked at him as a spiritual man who gave guidance. My two favorite quotes, one is from Jesus, “God is all around you and within you, not the madison of wood or stone (church), split a wood, you’ll find me, left a stone, I’m there.” St. Thomas (it is not in the bible, I think it is on chapter 77).
Other favorite quote from Gandhi, “I like your Christ, but I don’t like your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”
I went to the church to see how I felt about it. I felt very uncomfortable of being there. There is something about the surrounding just doesn’t seem right.
For those who wonder about my research, it is best if you do the research on your own because it would open your eyes better that way than I show it to you. It is same for me. If I truly want to know bad enough then research not study and read. Those are different. That is what gave me an eye-opener. I did try to show it to my mom and she got upset too easy and said that’s not King James Version. She refuses to look for it. It is turn out that it is King James Version in small, fine prints. My mom was telling me to not listen to non-believers. Sorry mom, you had made your choice to be blind. It is the same for the others who made the choice to refuse to open their eyes. I guess some people who had been raised and taught lied for long time and hate the idea of being know that it had been taught lied. What truly matter is that everyone is preferred in a comfort level. I respect their choices but don’t accuse me for satanic worshipper.
After, I made my decision to walk in my own spiritual path. Few days later, (or was it several days? I couldn’t remember but I do know it didn’t take that long.) I was in bed asleep. I remember it was about 2am when I look at the clock in half asleep and half awake. In my dream there was empty white light surrounding. I was standing nearby the table and 4 chairs. It seem like I am in some kind of simple restaurant. I had a book in my hand. I sat down and open my book. Strange, my book has blank pages. There are no words. I just sit and stare at it for a few minutes. I saw a man show up out of nowhere. He sat down. I looked at him. He seems familiar and yet he’s not. He has brown hair and big brown eyes. He’s about the same age as I am but seem wiser. He gave soft smile as he looked at me. I just look at him back. Then he said, “I know things are tough for you, but hang in there.” I didn’t like the way that he able to read me, “Great, You can read me like a book. How would you know? I feel like such a fool!” Technically, we were speaking about my previous boyfriend who has Narcissism Personality Disorder but that time I didn’t know. I found out later. All I know that he’s really not very nice guy who gave me hard time. He’s being mean to me and treated me like I’m a slut. The guy in my dream responds with a gentle smile and a soft voice, “I know that you do but you are not alone on this.” He was referring to previous girlfriends who went out with my boyfriend. Little did I realize that his previous girlfriends ended up mental illness institution; however, his way of how he’s saying that it wasn’t his fault. I was like, “Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Whatever, I don’t care. I should know better by going out with him!” I was being angry and defensive myself toward this guy in my dream. He was just giving me words of positive and encouragement. Sudden, I realize who he was. I dropped my jaw. He said, “Do you recognize me, now?” I don’t know why I asked that most ridiculous question, “Where have you been?” He laughed. I’m glad that he has sense of humor. He said “I have always been with you before you were born and up to now. Reason why you have not felt my presence is because of you going through tough times and through emotional times. I was still with you all the way. No matter what you do or what you did or what you will do, I will still be with you. It is impossible for you able to feel my presence when you are going through tough times but remember I have always been with you.” First time in my life, I cried so hard. He just sat there and listens to me.
He and I had been discussing about the previous experience about domestic violence. I've came to realize that I know now that it does take time to heal and take time to change. I have realize those experiences had created me for who am I. Those experiences help me to understand and love myself better. Without negative experiences, I would never know who I am. I would not be able to face today if I do not have those kinds of experiences. It is possible that I would be stuck the same phase of abuse for rest of my lives. Instead, I face and change for better life. I challenge to adult people as I am in a child. If I can challenge as a kid, then I can challenge adult with adult in a best way as humanly possible. I look at the negative experiences as in positive. I never thought in my life, I'm glad that I experiences those.
After that, I had a long and deepest intimate conversation with him. We discuss everything and to the details from A to Z. We laughed and cried together. For a long time, I finally felt being accepted. I felt love, safe, and warmth. My heart is no longer made of Swiss cheese. I felt fulfilled and solid in my heart. I felt the connection that I been longing to search for is there right under my nose. It was not church, Bible, nor Jesus. From now on, I vow myself, I will never step in the church (will go for wedding, ceremony or special occasions). When I woke up, I was overwhelmed. I didn’t want to wake up. I want to stay and talk with him. That was my first time in my life, I felt happy.
Just remember, there will be ups and downs in life. There will be certain times when I do not feel in God's presence. There will be certain times that I feel like what's so important to live here on earth. Why can't I just go to heaven? What really important is that I know that HE will always be with me and support me all the way! I will continue to stay and do my humanly possible to continue until God's ready to call me home.
OFF SUBJECT:
I did go once with my family who convinced me to go. I wished I didn’t. I sat there disagree 95% what the pastor said. Urg! I can sense there is no God’s presence there. If others do felt God’s presence then feel free to continue to go and worship there. I do not. I was kinda disappointed that my mom truly wants me to go to church. She kept saying it is good for you. She was so glad if one of the family members did go to church. She said “Praise the Lord!” She tried to encourage me. She kept saying over and over. She said that she’s praying for me to go back to church and to God’s path. I find it so annoying. She doesn’t know my situation. I found God in my own spiritual path this is the direction is where I am going. It is not the church. It never had and never will be.
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