Whole week

My week wasn't really good week. I manage to not show my downs and cranky moods. Almost got into agrue with my parents but I learn to back down. I manage to control my moods swing this week.

Meanwhile, I've learned a lot so many things while I mediate by myself. I've been thinking a lot. Didn't want to share this because this is kinda open a large can of worms.

But I can tell you this, I've learned that there is no way that I'm not going to be codependent. I've only read the introduction. That gave me quite a lot of thinking past few days.

I try to read the book that written by Dan Brown. When my mom asked me what am I reading? I show it to her. First thing she said, don't believe anything that book said. Everything in that book is fictional novel. I was like, really? She said yeah! Then she said something like this those people who against the biblical is usually have alterative motive. I didn't say anything but in my mind what if the alterative motive is education that set you free. Not the truth?

What I meant is that I took my time to research through in my own eyes. I'm not looking for alterative motive to against anything. Only reason, I'm looking for is the truth. What if that is real and what it is not?

I made my choice of not to say anything that could cause argue. I have my own mind and opinionate that I don't always share or say anything because I knew that it could lead to argue.

I lost my interest to read the book from Dan Brown so I switch to the book which I already show in the link for codepdent. That book does gave me a lot of thinking by the meaning of it. It is very interesting. I should have read it last year. Well, what really matter is that I'm reading it right now.

I did read other fanfic novel written from Stargate the sci-fi. That novel is very interesting to read it is mix with codepdent/narcisstistic and many other things. That's including brother rape daughter and etc. It's very graphic. I never thought of myself of actually read that novel. However, I have know that few people did share with me that one of them been raped by their brother, father, uncle, and/or cousin. Yes, it is blood-relatives. I have also heard that not just blood-relatives but step-father, step-brother did rape. So reading that book seem very interesting. Oh by the way, for those who wanna to know that there is a mild and short story of Jack/Sam got married. The main focus is on Daniel Jackson with other woman. And most of the time Daniel Jackson is the centeric of the story. Daughter of the Gods: Every New Beginning

Reading that stories, helped me to think a lot more things. I've read them all include the series.

Part of me thank to the great spirit for I never been raped by the blood relatives and I hope that in the future that it would never happen to me including strangers.

Anyway, It's funny. Somehow my mom and I brought up about the subject of analysis other people instead of analysis ourselves. And how difficult it is to analysis ourselves and not so difficult to anylsis other people and their problems. My mom mention that she never thought of that before and that she try to explain for who she is herself. I notice that it does take a while for her to think about it.

What count the most that she's able to describe of who she is.

When I was trying to find a guy thru online and I notice they leave a comment like Other people says that I'm trustworthy, honest, blah blah. Or Other people thinks, or other people's opinon...

Notice the word, other people?? They have hard time expressing in their own mind. I thought I would give a try to date one guy out to see what happened. He's sci-fi fan and enjoyed watching stargate and that's why he picked me because I am the same way. I asked what his opinion about the last week show. He mention other people this and that. Other people's opinion this and that. So, I told him I don't care about what other people thinks. What do YOU think? What's YOUR opinion about this and that?? He respond I don't know.

I was like... Can't he thinks for himself?? I feel like I'm talking to a robot who can't think for himself and only recieve input from the people. That does seems annoy, doesn't it?? What's worst is that he find me very beautiful and want to go out with me again. Ha!! Yeah right. He's so boring and can't think for himself. Ppppffffttttt.

But I can't help but wonder, what would happen if I continue to go out with him and married him? Picture, visionlize.... I control everything in all situation and he just follow me everywhere I go who can't think for himself and can't do what he suppose to do. I would take 100% fully responsible because he can't. And picture that all the converstation all he ever said is other people.... Does that sound like "air-headed?" *Eeewww* No, thanks! Maybe there's a girl out there who wouldn't mind to control him. Not me...

It just amaze me sometimes. I wonder how the world did those people like that able to survive here on Earth??

I'm still amazing that women managed to survive in men's world during and after the cavemen. When the men in control over women, when women didn't have right, when women are consider a properties, they managed to surive into today's world. Where we have the right to fight for the justice. We, women, are able to stand up for ourselves.

However, there's a certain problem, in so many ways, many women are codependent because we raised from gerenation to gerenation that we must be caretaker and forgot to take care of ourselves. One story I read, there is a 33 years old woman who died as natural causes of old age. She has 4 sons.

My mom went on preaching to me that I suppose to put my dog, Reese, first before me. It is the same with children. I always must put her first of everything and blah blah blah. Geez mom, sorry, mom, I disagree that kind of crap.

Yeah, I do agree by walk my dog and make sure that she's being fed and taken care of and etc. I will put her first if she got sick or injury. If I have the baby, I will feed the baby because the baby can't feed him/herself. Above all else, I will put myself first. Problem is that I really do not know how since I do not have a role model for that.

It's funny, when I read the magzine about Dr. Phil. He mention that his father is alcoholic and etc. He believes that the marriage comes first before the children. Because often times when the parents focus of being father and being a mother, they often forgot each other as husband and wife. They can end up divorce or re-learn each other all over again. And the children doesn't have a good role model of how to have a good and healthy relationship as husband and wife.

That's same for me. That's why I disagree of putting children first. I believe that I'm first and the marriage comes 2nd and children comes 3rd. Now, notice that I said I'm first before others??

It is similar idea when you put yourself first between you and God. And marriage second. So, everything that comes first is yourself (weather or not you are with God). Take care of yourself is very important before you can take care of others or you will end up an old woman at age 30's. Be able to sit back and mediate or relax or read a book for an hour everyday of just being yourself. I think that is very important that other (husband, parents, family, children) should respect that. If they can't, then go find your favorite and pravite spot where you can be alone.

I remember when my first ex wouldn't leave me alone when I need to be by myself. No matter what I said or do. So, I disappeared without him knowing and I found a perfect spot where no one can bother me and I took my time to read book and think about many different things. I decided to do that for 3 hours of my time because I haven't been time for me for several months. I felt so much better!! I feel refresh and full of energy of just being me of my time of the moment. I feel happier. Of course, when I came back and my ex said where have you been?? I've been looking for you. I said somewhere. I refuse to tell him where I was so I can continue to stay in my private place where he can't interfere me. He wasn't happy about that. Too Bad!

So, it is very important to put yourself first before others. (Unless there's an emerengy and etc, now that's a different story, put them first until they heal.)