Nothing new

Everything is pretty much same O, same O...

I took Reese out to park. Even though I took allegery pill, the pollen did affect my headache cause after I finish walking then back to the car. Headache started. Oy! However, I arrived home and took myself tenyhol(sp).

It is such beautiful weather. It made me want to just lay on hammock and rock. Just think of that makes me woozy. There's a nice breeze blowing and sun is warm with tempature of 76 degree. It is perfect! I could sleep outside like that kind of weather. The smell of air is mild sweet with a touch of honey.

Just beautiful, beautiful, and beatiful outside... Part of me am glad that I'm not working. It is nice advantage of spring time and enjoy!

Oh I almost forgotten. About Oreo, my mom did took him to vet and had removed the nutural(sp). Vet had to keep him for a day. Finally, he came home. Mom didn't know that he had to be kept in small room and no allow for jumping or running. Mom and I weren't happy about that. Because after surgery, we let the cat go around their buisness. Even let them outside.... That was 2 cats that we had.... Oreo is 3rd cat.

Mom was about to put him in the bathroom. I reminded that Oreo likes to jump on high and he did curl up in the sink. He loves to curl up in the bathroom sink. I suggestion to put him laundry room, where he can't jump. The wash machine and dryer's height is above my head. I'm 5'4 so these 2 machines is possible 5'5 or 5'6. So, Oreo cannot jump that high.

He had to stay and coop up from 10 to 14 days. Oreo was begging to get out. His paw went under the door. My mom and I were feeling guilty about it. In 2 days, I went inside the laundry room and gave him alots of loving. Oh, there is one more thing, we can't pick him up..... I repeat CAN'T pick him up. Geez, how diffcult that can be?? Anyway, mom encourage him to get inside of carrier. He almost refuse but managed to get him in. Mom put carrier outside in the shade. Where he can look out and listen the birds. Reese did visit him, too. Mom and I were talking to Oreo.

Next day, I had idea. I did bought about 2 yrs ago. There is worth 2 hours "cat-sitter" viedo. That shows different types of birds, butterflies, mices, hamster, fishes, parrot, and squirrel. All are alternate. He haven't see that one. I did show to Tom-tom, even though he is outside cats and did hunt few times, he actually enjoys watching. So I think Oreo wld like that. Mom and I put him in carrier. We set on small and high table nearby tv. I start on that tape. He was sure fanscanting! I was glad.

After another couple more days, he got bored with that tape. Instead, I was busying organizing and dusting. Oreo was just watching me. And I was just talking to him. That helps a lot for him. That also encourage him drinking and eating cuz at first, he wasn't until we interact with him even he's in carrier. He's doing better.

Finally, 10 days were up. We decided to let him out. Boy! He's everywhere! He's jump on my bed and running around and etc. He constantly on the go. By the afternoon, he haven't take his nap since in the morning. So, mom went ahead put him in her bedroom while we eat out for dinner. When we came back home. Mom and I were checking on him. He's asleep on the bed. We let him out again. He runs around like crazy. I went ahead put him in laundry room for a night. On second day, he did again. He jump around and running around. However, in early afternoon, he found himself a quiet spot to sleep. On the third day, he's becoming more calm. He's still walk around and etc but he's a lot more calmer. On 4th day, mom did let him outside for a little while. So, he can get use to familiar with his area.

Today is 5th day, mom did let him out again. He is back to usual self, now.

Well, that's all for now.

Cold treats for hot summer

Start to get ready for nice cold snacks but it isn't good to have all those sugars and fats that increase your fat and make ya more hot than cooler.

My favorite healthy treats, red or white grapes. First, pick them all out and get rid of green vine thing that you don't eat. Second, wash them real good. Then put in the large zip-lock bag, finally, put in freezer.

Leave it overnight...

When you take it out, put some (whatever amount u like) in a bowl then rest in the bag back to freezer.

Oh I strongly suggestion to bite half cuz it is really too cold to use the whole thing in the mouth. It has slushy textures. If you like popicicals(sp) or slushy I.C.E.E from big store or snow cones. You'll like this one and it is more healthy espeically when hot summer comes around soon and that frozen grapes tasted so good and keep you cool.

Great way for healthy treats!

keep on going

I am doing alittle bit better after the grieve with Amy. Of course, I will always miss her and she will never be forgotten.

Right now, I'm not working this week. I really dislike it. I already contact to my VR counsler. I hope to manage to bring up to have different job. From what I understand that they do train Data Entry. So I'm going to apply that one. Lately I notice mostly it is 8am to 4pm M-F. It is exactly what I want. Because, mainly our focus is education. When I prefer do both...

Speaking of education, I'm still working on it. In fact, my mom thinks that I'm not going back. How rude!?!

Well, I'm trying to make up my mind. That's one of my weakness when I couldn't make up from my mind. Right now, I'm looking at biotechnology, biochemistry, and mircobiology.

I did made a few more phone calls with couple more questions to ask. Later something pop in my mind. There is another questions that I wld like to ask. After the questions, then I wld know for sure what would be my next plans.

I hate last minutes and dislike postpone either; however, I'm considering to wait until next year to make things planning out. I want everything ready by then without any last minutes.

By the way, I forgot to mention. I did apply several different blogs as well as myspace.com I couldn't figure it out and ended up here blogger.com. It is a lot easier. I notice myspace.com is very popular; however, I couldn't figure it out. I did ask few people to explain and etc but didn't able to make it work.

Tonight

(Techinically, last night and tonight, what I mean is I went to deaf place and I stayed until 2am).

I met one guy from the introducing by other pserson. I kept myself cool. I chat with him, he seems nice. I try to meet others but it wasn't easy because they tends to already have friends and they chat with each other. I did partpate couple times. But I still alittle isolate few times. I know it will take time. I went second time. Again, I did chat little by little and still isolate from time to time. Like I said, I know it take time to warm up with people. Plus, I have to be careful who I make friends with. There is same guy there, he seems to like me; however, there is a girl there seems to like him, too.

Now, this my 3rd time, I show up. I chat alittle bit more than time. And I notice 2 guys seems to like me plus one more(the one who I met twice).

Ok, seem like there's something is up, now. Hahahahaha, honestly, I'm having fun. I'm just checking them out. Right now, I'm taking easy and taking my time. I admit some are cute and other one isn't so bad looking. Two are working warehouse-something and another one is working archetict(sp). Mmmmm...

This guy seems to like me while other girl like him. I just back off and let that girl chase him. Hahaha, but he usually ended up coming back to me. He would go to other room while that girl ended up with him and I just stay the same room and chat with others. He would come back and give me alittle touch like his hand would pat on my shoulder or brush by arms. It is more subtle. Not so obvious nor go too far where I have my boundary. He actually wink at me couple times across room. It is obvious that he try to advoid that girl and keep coming back to me. I just laid-back and watch the show. Hahaha. I just let it go and let the nature take it course.

Smile.

Meanwhile I met 2 more singal guys and they seems to attract to me too. I mean I sat alone at the bar on the stool and be a people-watcher. Little did I know, someone sat behind me. Later, I notice something, there is a guy who sat beside me. He was talking to someone. I was looking to see who is he talking to. Then I thought, is he talking to himself? I had to ask out loud, "who r u talking to?" He pointed way across at the other side of the room. Then I spotted a lady there. She said that she was talking to him. Then bla, blah, blah, then ended up he and I was chatting. My gut is telling me that he's checking me out.

Later, another guy seems to check me out, too. Meanwhile, poor guy is trying to get away from that girl.

Like I said, tonight wasn't so bad.

By the way, they kept saying that they were surprised that I'm fully deaf and I look too much similar like an hearing person. I can't help but wondering.... Is that good or bad??

Decisions

Well, I'm trying to make up my mind of what I want. This time I decided not pursue business. Since I'm very much introvert. However, there are some introvert are extremely good of being extrovert. Business is usually require for extrovert because have to deal with workers plus costumers. I have to make sure that eveybody is happy, fairly and etc. Well, I decided not to go after business.

Lucky, last Sunday, I went out by myself and I really needed that and in fact I ate dinner alone. As usual, I ended up at bookstore. I did visit different dept. Nothing spark my interest. Last, I went to Fastasy/sci-fi; however, it is too much fantasy and less sci-fi. Nothing spark my interest. I've feeling bored with books lately. I eneded up looking at poetry. I haven't got bored with it. I truly enjoy reading it.

Later, I went down to another dept. I spotted something. It is over 200 careers for introvert. That's when I grab it. I did look it over and decided to buy it. I hope it is worth it. Maybe that helps me decided which is best for me.

My lunch hour is over. (Yes, I'm working).

Wishing...

I wish I could afford a lot of things. Right now, I really want to fly over Washington d.c. There is someone might understand better with my situation with Amy.

Maybe my 2nd mom would understand if I speak to her in person but I kinda doubt it.

Like I said, I wish I could fly at D.C., right now.

*sigh*

So far, I kept myself busy at home and work. It helps me keep on going. Just when at night when things are quiet. That does make me think about Amy. That's all. Sometimes I do keep myself by reading stories or "how to set up a business" book. I do alternating that at night. That also help me to go sleep to keep my mind off. I know I can't avoiding but I just can't constantly think about it. Is that normal? I have no idea since this is first time for me.

Well, I did had my first pets had died and I did grieve but I think that's because I had support. My parent were greiving, too. So I wasn't really alone.

Guess what?

Remmy I mention about me cleaning and I wasn't good enough by boss' boss? Well, speaking of that new boss, she left. Her last day was last week. There was no informed to anyone and no good-byes. I admit part of me am glad but at same time, I grow accomousted to her way. I guess will find out who is a new supervisor for next. Part of me hoping that next boss would be better. However, I still want to perpare the worst and hope for the best.

Well, I have to work tmw. I'm still working on less and less hours. I dislike that. I have my bills to pay. Only thing I mostly work is Friday and Saturday lately. Only times I work is Friday... Or none. I need more hours. This is cutting too short. I think because people are shopping less and less cuz others are saving money. It is April. Normally, people shop and getting ready for summer and buying swimsuits and etc. Plus, weekends are almost always busy. Espeically Memorial Day Weekend... Lately, the store is not so busy. It is getting quiet and quiet... Then quieter and quieter. It is getting quiet like a libaray. You can almost hear a pin hit on the floor.

This year isn't doing any good for econmic(sp?).

Princess

The mix german sharpard female dog, the one I used to have. May she rest in peace. She is so sweet and eagar to please. There is a story that I would like to tell. Actually, it is more of my mom's story that she told me about.

We were living in the country home. My dad was at home and watching tv. My mom was walking in a long walk to the mailbox. It is on the dirt driveway. She pass by one of the old car that my dad kept postponing to get rid of it. Truth is, my dad was so exhuasted from work. Most of the time he do the dirty work for those who doesn't and he had to keep pushing others who is lazy. Sometimes, he had to work on weekends and overtime. My dad was soo exhausted to do anything until he transfer another job. He was much better but that's another story. Right now, we focus on mom. By the time she reached to the mailbox, she notice something moving from her corner of her eye. She turn around and saw a big dog is running toward her. There is no warning of attack nor barking. It is slient attack. My mom ran to the junky car and hoping that she could get in but the door is lock. My mom had to yelled, "Richard!!!" that's my dad's name. My mom knew it wouldn't do any good since it is too far from the house plus tv is on. My mom was struggling to get on top of the car. She isn't good with physical work.

The dog is very close to grab my mom's leg. Out of nowhere, Princess showed up by passing between the dog's face and mom's leg then start attack that dog. Mom ran to the house and got on the screen backpoach. There's a gate to block off. As she did, she looked up to see how's Princess doing. Only thing she saw was the dog ran off and Princess almost in the chase. Mom called her to come. She quicky stop and obey. She came onto the poach. Princess did saved my mom's life.

Nothing New

Yep, nothing is new. Just working at work. During my off days, I help around the house. Yep, I need to get back on my track and start fill out the application and FASAFA(sp?). Soon... Sometimes this week. I found out another visitation wld not be until May. It's getting late. Sooner I start now the better chance to accept the college. I already made up my mind. I don't want to wait too long.

Today I'm working. I'm writing this on my lunch break. My lunch break is soon over. Ugh, I don't want to go back.

Oh by the way, as I was speaking of the neighbor, the mean father did came back to help to start the mother's car's battery isn't working. Now, he's been staying over the night and not left.

A letter from God...

Crystal’s Note: I stumbled across this letter in a magazine. I couldn’t agree with it more. I believe if God could speak to all humankind at once, especially during these troubled times of terrorism and war, this is exactly the message we would all receive.

Yes, this letter was written by a mortal man - an intelligent one at that because it sure makes a whole lot of sense!

So please, read the letter, with your mind and heart open, and think about it…and try to make the best out of the precious time you have here on Earth. ~Crystal

********************************

An Impatient Letter to All of Us

from God March/April 1998

My Dear Children (and believe me, that’s all of you),

I consider myself a pretty patient guy. I mean, look at the Grand Canyon. It took millions of years to get it right. And I’ve been patient through your fashions, civilizations, wars and schemes, and the countless ways you take me for granted until you get yourselves into big trouble again and again.

But on this occasion of my son’s 1,989th birthday, I wanted to tell you about some things that are starting to tick me off.

First of all, your religious rivalries are driving me up a wall. Enough already! Every religion claims there’s only one of me - which, by the way is absolutely true. But in the very next breath, each religion claims it’s my favorite one. And each claims its bible was the only one written personally by me.

Let’s get one thing straight: These are your religions, not mine. I’m the Whole Enchilada: the Spirit beyond them all. I’m your Father and Mother, and I don’t play favorites among my children. Also, I hate to break it to you, but I don’t write. My longhand is awful, and I’ve always been more of a “doer” anyway. So all your books, including the bibles, were written by inspired, remarkable people, but they also made mistakes here and there. I made sure of that. You see, I want you to trust your own inner connection with me more than anything else. Holy books are sacred and powerful, but they were only meant to steer you inside yourself, not to keep you arguing with each other. One human being to me - even a bum on the street - is worth more than all the holy books in the world. That’s just the kind of guy I am. My Spirit is not an historical thing. It’s alive right here, right now, as fresh as your next breath.

Which brings me to your next nonsense: You act like I need you and your religions to stick up for me or “win souls” for my sake. Please, don’t do me any favors. I can stand quite well on my own, thank you.

And another thing: I don’t get all worked up over money or politics, so stop dragging my name into your dramas. For example, I never threatened Oral Roberts. I never rode in any of Rajneesh’s Rolls Royces. I never told Pat Robertson to run for president, and I’ve never had a conversation with Jim Bakker or Jerry Falwell! Of course, come Judgement Day, I certainly intend to…

The thing is, I want you to stop thinking of religion as some sort of loyalty pledge to me. The true purpose of religion is for you to become more aware of me, not the other way around. Believe me, I know you already. I know what’s in each of your hearts, and I love you with no strings attached. Lighten up and enjoy me. That’s what religion is for.

What you seem to forget is how mysterious I am. You look at the petty differences in your scriptures and say, “Well, if this is the truth, then that can’t be!” But instead of trying to figure out my paradoxes and subtleties - which, by the way, you never will - why not focus on the simple unarguable fundamentals?

You know what I’m talking about: love and respect everyone. Be kind. Even when life is scary or confusing, take courage, for I am always with you. Learn how to be quiet, so you can hear my still, small voice (I don’t like to shout). Leave the world a better place by living with dignity and gracefulness. Hold back nothing from life, for the parts of you that can die will surely die, and the parts that can’t, won’t.

Simple stuff. Why do you keep making it so complicated? Do you think I care whether you call me Yahweh, Jehovah, Allah, Brahma, Father, Mother, The Void or Nirvana? Do you think I care which of my special children you feel closest to - Jesus, Mary, Buddha, Krishna, Mohammed or any of the others? They all live in one place (my heart) and they get along perfectly, I assure you. Stop creating a myth of sibling rivalry where there is none. Just go about my business of loving one another as I love you. How can you keep forgetting something so simple?

You don’t have to abandon your religions or combine them into One Big Mess. Enjoy your religions, honor them, learn from them, just as you should enjoy, honor, and learn from your parents. But do you walk around telling everyone that your parents are better than theirs? Like your parents, your religion may always have a special place in your heart; I don’t mind that at all. And each religion is unique for a reason. Each approaches my great mystery in its own way. But religions are not football teams, so please drop your childish “We’re #1″ attitude!

The world has grown too small for religious narcissism. The whole planet is connected by air travel, satellite dishes, telephones, fax machines, diseases, rock concerts, and mutual needs and concerns. Get with it! If you really want to celebrate the birthday of my son Jesus, then begin figuring out how to feed your hungry, clothe your poor, and shelter your homeless. Just as important, make your own everyday life a shining example of kindness and good humor. I’ve given you all the resources you need, if only you abandon your fear of each other and begin living, loving, and laughing together.

As I love Him, so do I love each of you. I’m not really ticked off. I just wanted to grab your attention because I hate to see you suffer. After giving you free will, what can I do now, other than to try to influence you though reason, persuasion, and a little manipulative guilt? After all, I am the original Jewish mother. I just want you to be happy.

Your One and Only,
God

Written by Bo Lozoff.

Bo Lozoff is a writer/songwriter and director of the Human Kindness Foundation in Durham, North Carolina. The Foundation’s major program, the Prison Ashram Project, works with prisoners and prison staff in more than 40 counties. Mr. Lozoff’s books include We’re All Doing Time , Inner Corrections.

Neighbor rumors

Well, accoeding to little girl who spoke to the neighbor and that neighbor spoke to my mom. This sweet girl said that the court had decided to make her parent into divorce. If they refuse, the court will take the kids away. Once they divorce, the kids will stay with her mom.

She also mention that her dad just beat her mom. She meant earlier, today. No wonder I saw her mother is trying to cover herself this afternoon. Not only that, her father did drove away I dunno if he had came back or not. It is truly sad.

Speaking of neighbor, there is several houses next to us, where the house is totally empty belongs to somebody from Calforina. It has been 3 years since my parent and I lived here. The lady did came to stop by doing some cleaning and check on the house.

Until few weeks ago, they put up a rental sign. However, it is not cheap. I'm the one who check that out. Guilt! I thought it wld be neat to live next to my parent. The price is 2,000 dollars a month and unilities are not included. Wow! Was first thought in my mind. Never mind that.

*sigh* I wish my boss's boss would give me more hours to work. Lately I'm off. I only work on weekends. Well, I'm free, today. However, I look at my schedule, it is still blank. They just call me in last minutes for those who doesn't show up for work.

Truth is, even my off days, I search and apply other job but so far, nothing. I realize, one friend of mine thru facebook. She mention that she still searching for a job. She had graduated same as my other friend. Lucky, my other friend had a job while she doesn't. It must be frustrated for her. She even mention about consdering start herself a business. I laughed when I read that. Don't we all??

I admit that I did had my manic depression. Mainly because I hate working there and sooo cheap pay, I barely can pay my own bills and pay my parent of what I owe. I'm completely broke at this point until next payday. However, I don't think it wld be enough. My mom convience me to take prozac (that was several months ago before Amy had died). I did take it everyday. Once in a while, I missed but I managed to keep it up.

Prozac is truly helpful. It helps me to keep on going and less cranky; however, I still hate my work. I'm just so disappointed when I couldn't find anything else espeically the pay hours are sooo cheap.

Speaking of business, I did took my time to read about it. First, are you good at organizing? Guilt, I'm not. Procancasting can cuase buisness go down. Again, I'm the guilt. Are you highly moviating? Yes, I am. I know my weakness. Could I overcome my weakness?? If I am determined enough, yes I can. Are you self-starter? I have no idea if I am.

Mmmm, I better go. I still have a lot to think about.

Intense Dreams

I had intense dream last night. Amy's alive and I was in hopstial standing by her side. She had breathing tube as I was standing and wondering if she's going to be dead or alive. She woke up and was shock to see me then she gave me a long hug and a long kiss. *sigh*

Beloved

Beloved

I have traveled long and far
In search of that which had no name;
Along life's road I lost my way
And eluded me
Though the long and endless nights

Many dreams were shattered;
There had been much betrayal
And I was weary from the trying
I did not know how much was beyound my ken

I thought I knew the face of love
Though I had never seen it
Now felt it touch my heart
Until the fateful day
When We first met

Now I can say I know love's song
It's dance and every taste
I know it's face
For I have held it in my hands.
It's name is yours

~written by Amy K.~

That poem was written for me by the one who I loved. There are several other poems that I kept; however, this one is my favorite. I know Amy prefer not to share in public but I had to. It shows how much she loves me as much as I love her. No one ever wrote me a poem. No one ever surprised me when I came out of shower there are several candles lighted up. I stood there with awe as my eyes followed to Amy and she stood and lean against the wall as she's study my body language. That touches my heart. No one ever done that for me.

She brought me a flowers and putting on dinning table as we ate together in apartment. When she and I kissed, there's no tongue involve. However, our lips were barely touches each other, it was like our soul were kissing as we entwined together. Her kiss did swept my feet off for real. No one ever swept my feet but her. Every time, we kiss, it was like always a first kiss.

Amy told me that she felt the same. In fact, she told me that she had kissed several other females before and she said that they wasn't best kisser as I am. I didn't know that for I never kissed any other females before. She's my first and my first true love.

When people mention they know if that person is the right one is dreamed of that person. When my former bf told me that he dreamt of me and asked me if I did. My respond no. Of course, he was disappointed. Later I realize I wasn't really loved him.

Amy is the one who I dream of, several times. It is same for Amy when she dreamed of me. Sometimes her dream and mine are sooo intense, it almost like she is there next to me and same with Amy. I realize that I really do love her a lot... More than she ever know.

And I'm sure it is same for her...

no title this time

*sigh* I contact my 2nd mom, apperarly(sp) she doesn't understand about my situation with Amy. Oh well.

Anyway, I did spoke to my dad and 2nd mom about their prespective of me building a certain buisness something that I had in my mind. They both said that it is unrealistic. *sigh* I guess they're right about that.

I have been crying the last two night and I did cried at work. I'm surprised no one seems to notice nor say anything about it. Maybe they just didn't care or didn't really pay attention. Don't matter. I'm just glad that I do not have to say anything. I managed to keep up with my work. I admit that I almost want to leave but I managed to keep on going and focus my work.

Well, I'm actually free this week; however, I would not be surprised if I wld be contact last minute for work, again.

Missing Amy K.

I know this isn't cheerful moments. I missed her big time. I wished she didn't died. I justed finished read the last msg that she send to me on March 6th. She did mention that she's getting sick again and see doctor next day and possible stay in hopstial. That isn't first time she mention because she usually in and out due to her genetic diease. I didn't hear from her until John told me about Amy. My heart just sink and prayed that isn't true.

Like I said, I wished she lived few more years. Just to see her one more time. I also wish this isn't refleuction(sp, opposite for Great Depression) since prices were high, we did mention about wait it out or go some places that is in USA, something cheaper for this summer. Now I do not had my chance. I know I should look at bright side that I was able to see her before she died but it is still not the same thing.

*sigh* I'm still hang in there. Just sad and disappointed. That's all.

Amy K. part 2

I got email from John at 7:21am. Today, they will bury Amy. I figured that John is there and Amy's parent paid John and Nicholas. Funny thing is that, he also said that he hope that I forgive and forget the past. When I looked back to this day, I realize. That is his most common comments "forgive and forget" but never once apology for his action nor behavior. Not once mention that was his fault and realize that and willing to make improvement. Sad but true.

I couldn't keep in touch with John. According to what I read nbr 1 best way to have closure is "No Contact" for NPD is damn good at sucking other people espeically when it comes to pity. Deep down I know John will find a way to draw me into relationship. Once contact then it will be a point of no return. I know about John's son. However if John's 2 daughters had managed to survive living with John. I'm sure Nicholas will be.

If Amy had survive through her mother for she also has NPD. And she managed to survive thru John's NPD. It same for everybody else weather we like it or not. We just have to accept and move on. Let the worries and burden onto God's hands.

It is same for me, I managed to survive through domanastic volience. We all are survival one way or another.

Like I said, I didn't respond back to John. However, if he keep on emailing me then a very good chance I wld change my email address that including my pager. I will keep on updating to people I know for those who I only contact to.

Wait and see...

R.I.P. Amy M. K.

(I dunno how long is this but possible very long blong) How did I first met her?

I met her through my boyfriend, John. (Who is now my ex). It was at night during winter. I couldn't remember which month but I do remember it was snowing. Amy and I talk many different things for several hours, almost all night. My first impressions are smart, outgoing and scarcastic. She certain has a way with her words. Something about her spark my interest.

However, the story I hear from Amy, she said that she first saw me when I was in HMB building as I walk pass her, she couldn't help but want to look at my behind. So she did. Her first thought was I am way out of her league. Also, she watches me when I'm at cafeteria. First thing she sees me as straight.

Well, even though I act straight and wear female outfit and attract to males, part of me is very curious. I did had my first crush on christian female friend. I never said a word and minding my own business. I act causual like it is nothing.

That christian female friend of mine is married and have children.

Anyway, back to that story...

After a while, Amy want to set up as a group for all of us go together to Six Flags. Something had came up, people changed their mind and would not go. Amy seem very disappointed. I tried to cheer her up by coming over and ask her why not we just go ahead and go. She seem isn't in the mood.

Later I found out that, Amy trying to have a date with me but going out in a group. It is more of discreet way. I didn't know that what Amy was trying to do. So she tried to come up with other way. However, there isn't other way.

Finally, Jan 1st, Amy contact me through IM, she confessed that she had a crush on me. I wasn't expect that. I thought she wasn't interesting in me since she did avoiding me, sometimes.

I was surprised and she shared some poems with me that she wrote for me that she did wrote during time we were together.

John had really interfere a lot of ways. For one, John had said something that he thinks that would happen, so I talk to Amy and I discover it isn't true. It happens often in different situtations. John would twist in every way.

At the end, I broke up with John but I made him thinks that he's breaking up with me. I let him have his last words. He always have a last words.

After awhile, Amy got into coma and forgot everything had happened between me and Amy plus she forgotten her family. As usual, John didn't tell me that Amy still remeber me and John but does not remember her parent and rest of her family. John left out the part that Amy remebers me. Anyway, I thought that was it. It was the end. I thought it was fate. So I did not come back. I left.

After long time, I still kept thinking of Amy. I managed to push aside. It has been long time. I finally decided to contact Amy, again. We finally had been clear up a lot of misunderstanding and it was really John cuz this first place.

What's done is done but I do not have regrets. I'm glad that I had a chance to contact her and clear up. She and I are becoming best friends.

We did plan to have vacation to get together but sadly Amy have to leave and go to heaven. Her lungs are collesping.

Part of me is hoping that isn't true. Part of me is hoping that is just overreacting. So I contact few of my friends then I contact my 2nd mom. Finally, I decided to contact hopstial. Turn out, it wasn't overreacting. Since my money is limited plus I do not feel comfortable going alone. However, I was desperate to go from Texas to Minn.

I decided to contact 3 male friends (lucky, they are single and 2 are open-minded). Reason why is that I do not want John try to..... Ummm get me back, again or draw me into relationship with him. I know 2 male friends of mine would get along and act like they are my boyfriends or like a relationship, just to cover up. It is best way to prevent from.... John... I don't want to be around him alone. Sadly, they can't.

So I went ahead and contact a good friend of mine from Missiouri. When she said, yes. I was relieved and thrill. So I quickly contact my job to have someone to cover me. I was told to call next day. I dislike that. Instead, I went ahead and called several hours later, trun out, they have it cover. Again, I was relieved. I was very anixious. It is possible they will remove the breathing support on Thursday or Friday. So I want to be there by Wedensday, hopefully to be alone with her or something like that.

Wed, March 19th. I called hopstial and talk to Amy's mother. She said that they will disconnect the tube tonight. My first thought, I hope to be there before they do that. The early flight is 2 30pm... I arrived 4 45pm. I decided to tell Amy's mother, that I will arrive airport at 5pm. Part of me glad that I did cuz that gave me alittle bit more time. I got on shuttle on way to hotel that is near hosptial. My friend was driving to Minn. Some people find hard to believe that she is driving. Well, I think it is much cheaper than flight. Since mine is 500 dollars plus tax. It is rather expensive but not bad for last minutes. I was glad that my parent were willing to pay as long as I pay back because at first, they were not but when I mention that I will pay back then they will buy the plane ticket.

I couldn't sleep since Monday night and I barely eat much since I was on emotional. Part of me am glad that I'm taking prozac otherwise I might not be able to do anything. When I was on shuttle and it is close to 5 30pm. I called the hotel to double check that they reserved the room plus it have to be at least 10 minutes request for shuttle of half hour to one hour. My first thought I want to leave by 5 30 but I think it was too soon. So I did request for 6pm. Turn out I arrived at hotel 535pm. I knew that wasn't enough time. Meanwhile, I contact my friend to see where she was at. She said she should be there abt 15 minutes or so.

What's funny part? My friend told me that she arrived at hotel. So I came down at the evelator turn out she came up 3rd floor. Somehow, we missed each other as we continue contace as "where are you, now". I laughed when I found out that she's on 3rd floor then I turn around and came up while she told me that she will stay on 3rd floor. I was relieved and not so nervous anymore when I saw her. We chat breifly then on way to hopstial. Thank goodness for shuttle from hotel to hosptial. It certain save time of where should park and driving around to find hopstial, too. That really makes a differences. We arrived. I know my friend doesn't know Amy or anyone. I figured she might feel comfortable staying in family/waiting room. So I asked her if she want to stay. She said yes. I'm glad that she is there because when I'm in the room where family, John, and Amy, back of my head I know my friend is in the waiting room. I feel comfortable knowing she is there nearby.

My first saw was John. He hugged me then hold me. He started to cry. My first thought, who cares... I'm here for Amy, not John. I just being polite and ask how's going and etc. Finally, I ask can I see Amy? I was really anixious to see her. Back of my mind, I remind myself that Amy is on heavy medication and that she may not reconzed or still asleep. John and I walked down the hallway and chatting about Amy's situation. We stop at the curtian that half open and light is off. The only light that shine is from hallway. I saw family but I haven't see Amy. As John continue chatting, I saw alittle boy come up to me twice. By the third time, he approach me again, then walk back to the room. John asked, did you know that is Nicholas? My respond, I saw him in picture, is that him? John got Nicholas and we were being introduce. I saw a beautiful blue eyes. We were litterally looked into our eyes. That is Amy's son. I asked him, "may I have a hug?" He quickly gave me hug and then walk back to the room. John gave me yellow paper thing that covers our chest and down to knee. John is also put himself on. The moment we walk in the room, I quickly took my deep breath as I tried to fight my emotional back. John introduce me with Amy's parent, aunt, sisters and interpreter. I know one of her sister is blind since she has Usher Syndome. I spoke hi with her name. She nodded. Finally, I saw Sharon. John's wife. I have met her couple times. I came up to her and hugged her.

Finally, I approach to Amy which she lay on bed with breathing tube. Her eyes are half open. I was speechless. She doesn't look good. I stood nearby and hold her cold hand. John approach me and told me that she can't see due to heavy medication since her eyesights are blur. However, he told that that I can speak to her in her ear. So I did, "hey Amy, this is Crystal... This is Crystal, I'm here." She nodded. My heart just jumped. I told her, "I care and I love you." couple times. I sat on extra chair just like everyone else sitting. John told me that it felt right that he and I were there. I admit that I was kinda surprised to hear that from him.

I found out they will remove the breathing tube around 7pm. Because next step will be life support; however, several days ago, she made it clear that she doesn't want life support. So, they have to go ahead and remove the breathing tube.

So now, we are saying "good-byes". We are taking turn. First parents, sisters, aunts, John then me... Last is Sharon and Nicholas. I did said, "good-bye and I will see you soon." What I meant is that I know I will see her someday weather I die old or by car accident but I know I will see her again.
When mother explain to Amy that nurses will remove the breathing tube. She idmently grab the tube and try to pull it out herself. Her mother told her to be patience and let nurses do that for you.

John told me that Amy had tried to remove that tube, yesterday. Something tells me that she is ready to die.

We came out in hall. I went to waiting room and letting my friend know. After a while, Sharon came and got me. I told Sharon, "thank you for getting me." She nodded. I arrived, they were waiting in hallway. I spotted John's youngest daughter in her 20's. She was surprised to see me. I just nod and wait.

I saw nurses in Amy room. I figure that they give her medication and remove the tube. That medication is to prevent from feeling any pains.

They left then we all came back in. Amy is breathing on her own alittle bit for a while. Part of me is hoping that she's able to continue to breath on her own; however, her last breath, I saw her face turn to pale and her lips turn to gray. It only take a second. Next thing I saw, at least I think I see it, a smoke or fog-like is right above amy's body. I blink then it is gone. Again it take only split seconds. I was crying, others were crying. Amy's mother and other family are close by with Amy. I was pretty much in distance. Amy's mother left her position. I quickly went over just to be close to Amy. Deep down I knew Amy is watching us. John is manage to go to closeby Amy on other side of bed across from me. We both looked at Amy as we saying good byes. I notice her aunt didn't like that but I ingore her. Few moments, I notice Amy's mother came back and standing behind me. Then I back off and gave her postion back. That was my plan is to give her postion back. John gave me a look with puzzle. I told him, she's a mother. I know my mom want to be nearby if that happen to me, too. John respond, "understood."

Everybody was hugging but me. I was crying plus somewhat left out. Unexpectly, John's daughter pulled me for a hug. I was surprised because she seems didn't like me and basically she ingored me when I first met her. She tried hog all attention to John. I just back off and let her because I know that she is daughter and he is father. She was kinda rude. However, this time the situtation was different. We all have group hugged then invdiual hugs. Finally, everyone and I join hands and prayed. Amy's father prayed then John prayed.

Finally, John had asked me what's my plan. I told him that I only ate was peanuts and orange juice. Truth is I wasn't hungry since I was in emotional. I do know my stomach is empty and I must eat something. John did said that I can ride van with them and my friend can ride with his daughter. I do not want to be alone.... Espeically with John even though Sharon will be there. I refused. I mention, I prefer to be with my friend. John's daughter said that she has a room for two people in her car. I nodded.

After a while, we got lost. Part of me is glad that wasn't my friend and I. We just tag along and let them find the resturant.

Finally, we found it. As we got out of the car, John waited and watching. My friend walk forward. John really had to ask, Kare you two together?" My respond, "no!" John said that I refuse to be alone and that I require to be with her. And that I seems to be close. I told him that she and I were roomates. I couldn't picture myself with her. I only see her as my best friend, my sister, that's all I see her. I couldn't see anything farther than that. Part of me is glad that he couldn't figure out what the real reason. I do not want to be alone around John. No matter what! We continue to eat and chatting different things.

I decided to lied that my plane leaves tomorrow(Thurs) since my plane leaves Friday for I do not want to see them again.
John's daughter dropped us off. We arrive back to hotel room. We chatting for next few hours.

You know what? I'm just am glad that I get to see Amy and I'm glad I had a chance to say good bye. I'm glad that I made my choice to fly over. In fact, I felt more peace than I was before. Most of all, I'm really am glad that my friend was there.

Next morning, my friend had told me that something had came up and had to go back home. I was disappointed. I don't want to be alone. Then I realize, I'm not going to see John again. So it really doesn't matter. She seems to hestate to leave. I told her that there are resturants, and couple fast food nearby. Or I can take shuttle to hosptial for cafeteria. I will be fine. So, she left.

You know what else?? I couldn't ask for better timing. I arrive just right on time before Amy died. I had a chance to say good bye. And I don't have to put up seeing John for another day alone while my friend had gone back home. It is truly blessing. What's even more, I'm glad that my friend had left because I realize I haven't being alone for long time. Even my parent gone for dating but that was short. It has been long to be alone for long hours. In fact I enjoy being by myself.

Next day, I flew from Minn to St. Loius Missiouri. My next flight was suppose to be 6 30pm; however it postpone 8:30pm then 9:10pm then 9:50pm. There was announcement. I had to asked. I found out that there was mechinical problem and that we may have to fly other city then to Dallas. I decided to get something to eat. Since I don't feel comfortable about eating resturant. I prefer fast food to go. I do not want to miss my flight if things had changed and I didn't know espeically, I can't understand over the speaker. I spotted a map on the board. I was disapointed is that all are resturant and if you want fast food, it has to be outside of security.

Sudeenly, I hear something like someone talk behind my back. Thanks to the big store where I work, that is not unusual when they think I'm hearing and they tend to talk behind my back. I trained myself to catch it otherwise, they think I ingore them. I turned my head, "mmmm?" this guy said again, " can I help you finding something?" that guy who sems to work there. He had vest on and he's pushing empty wheelchair like he is ready to get for someone elderly getting off the plane that needs wheelchair.

My respond, "I'm just look for something close-by for fast-food, not resturant." He asked me if I like Burger King. My answered, "yeah!" then he told be to go down ... Blah blah blah. I said, "thank you!" with smile on my face. He smiled, " you're welcome." So I assumed maybe it isn't that far. The long I walk the farther it seems to be. Then I spotted a resturant next to it that said to take out only. So I went there. There is nothing spark my interest. However there is wrap sandwich. So I went ahead and got it and buy it. The lady said something which I do not understood her. Then she gave a guesture with a fingres that show cross then put her hands on chest as for hug. Jesus loves you. I was like... Geez. Instead, I said, "yeah, I know." Then she smiled and said "happy Easter." I said, " you too" for a moment I did almost forgotten there is Easter this coming Sunday. I am so use to have Easter in April.

The plane delay again 11pm then 11:15pm. There was announcement. This time there is one way flight. People clapping their hands. Plus they switch plane since it is still mechinical problem. Finally, the plane arrived. And we left 11:25pm. I couldn't go to sleep because people in front row were busying flashing lights with their camera and cell phone's camera. It is really annoying they kept doing it. Part of me hoping they would stop soon but they kept going until arrive Dallas. The plane arrived 1:20am. I was hungry, tried, and really cranky.

When I looked around, there is lights off with only small light down the hallway. It look closed. The airport does close by midnight. Part of me am glad that my parent were there cuz there is no transportation.

On the way, we stop at Jack in the Box then came home. Reese was really exciting when I came home.

Right now, I felt peace. Plus it does feels alittle funny for eveytime I look at my pager, I was kinda hoping to hear from Amy. It will take a while. Same thing when I feel funny when my grandma died and she no longer send birthday cards and christmas cards. I'm use to that. So it will take a while to accept and wouldn't receive any more msg from Amy and my grandma.

R.I.P Amy~ March 19, 2008. ~ You will be missed but not forgot.

Well, I think I better stop.
Happy Easter!

Springtime

Humid turn to rain then sky is clearing up with cool breeze and warm from the sun. Well, I wouldn't be surprise if the tempture dropped down so suddenly with snow again. It sure bounce back and forth. Either it's mother's nature or global warming.

At work is crazy. Yep, half the workers don't do their work while others do their work. Some days are slow and some days are busy. Some custmers are nice and some are not. Truth is I don't care. I just minding my own buisness. I'm there to work when there no other jobs.

I couldn't wait to go back to school and finished up. Well, I'm still working on to visit couple more colleges. I did went one same college twice. Its really nice. I can picture myself staying there but the major isn't what I picture. What am I looking for is something working experinces or hand-on experiences or 21 hours of working during week when you have classes. That college doesn't provide one. Point is that one of professor told me is that I have a lot of knowlege in biology field. Only problem is that I don't have a lot of experiences. That's why I'm searching for it.

Meanwhile, I was watching A&E, Helen Keller. I was truly amazing. After Helen learned the word "water" has a meaning, she went to school. Unlike all the blind children, she learn far more and pick up real quick. Now her words are best friend to her. She even fund-raising for the blinds. First time was 2,000 dollars after few years, she raised hundred and thousand dollars. What truly amazing me is that Helen wants to learn to speak. Not bad at all. I just heard her speaking. She's good. She also helped many more deafs and blinds. It is truly amazing. What I like about Helen is her poems and quotes.

It shows Gallaudet College, too. I know, I always find deaf history truly preasure. I guess school doesn't really teach about deaf history. They only focus black history and in general such as All about U.S.A. Yeah, I mean no dispeact to balck history nor to USA but I'm tired of hearing them. I want to learn more about deaf history.

Snow II

Yep, last time was snowing that melted into the ground. Until today, there's heavy snow. The snow flakes are so thick and rounded almost size between dimes and quarters. I was thill when I saw white blanket on the ground, bushes, and trees. I quickly dressed warmly and grabbed my camera. First thought of my mind is winter wonderland.

I came out and I wouldn't let Reese out. I want to take a pictures where's untouched. I took a lot of pictures.

Finally, I let Reese out. Reese was uncertain about the snow. She had been introduce to snow last year but seem like she didn't remember. Snow doesn't last long here. She was being catious. I told Reese, "its a snow" I feel like I'm teaching toddler. I said again, "what is it?" she looked at me, "its a snow." She start snuffing and smelling around then she finally had courage to walk on the snow. I smiled and took couple pictures.

My mom is also got dressed warm as dad had came home from work then we all went out to take more pictures. We taking each other pictures. After, we are done. I took couple more pictures of Reese. Espeically when she bend down half way, that's postion means ready to play? I got a perfect shot.

Meanwhile, my boss contacted me and asked me to come to work. I told her I cannot drive in the snow. Which it is true. She said if the road is clear then please come. Ha, it still snowing outside. I don't think I would come anyway, I might not come weather road is clear or not. It is too dangerous. I rather live than have car accident. Maybe road is fine but I rather be safe than sorry. That's me. I bet a lot of people doesn't show up for work, today. It is snowing outside. It is safer to be in house. Maybe living in North is different since a lot of people experinces driving in snow plus snowpiling machine to get rid of snows off the street. There isn't snowpiling here. Last year, there was more car accident during snowing. I won't be surprised it wld be same this year. Even weatherman warned people and they didn't listen.

Anyway, my parents got in first and few minutes later, I came in. We were helping each other cooking dinner. After a while, they didn't need my help, I went upstairs to watch some tv. When dinner is ready, we goggle up that meat loaf, cooked cabbage, corn bread, mashed potato, cumcumbers, tomatos, and onions. Oh, there's black eye-peas added some green beans in it. Yummy!

Finally, we watched LOST. I had pretty good, today. I'm sure my parent is enjoying, too. It was really nice.

Snowing

Yep, it is already snowing here. I notice for past 2 years and now this is 3rd year, mostly it snow during Feb and March until after Easter things will be warmer and hot.

Last night, there was thunderstorm. I knew Reese hates to be alone. I was in my bed and Reese is in other room with door closed. I saw light flashes thru my window. So I got up and open the door. Reese was kinda surprised that I open the door. Then she walked in with her tail wagging. I mean when she's exiciting her tail would go in circle. If she's happy, her tail would wag back and forth. If she's light happy, her tail would softly wagging.
Her tail is going in circle as she walked in my bedroom and lay on the floor and still wagging. I smiled and closed the door. I gave her my loving as I pet her. She licked my face. I knew that she was very much appreicated. She really hates thunderstorm. She's ok as long as she is with somebody. Reese was asleep next to bed as I am in my bed. She's hate to be alone during thunderstorm.

Reese is such a big baby and she's still a baby to me. I loved her and still do.