R.I.P. Amy M. K.

(I dunno how long is this but possible very long blong) How did I first met her?

I met her through my boyfriend, John. (Who is now my ex). It was at night during winter. I couldn't remember which month but I do remember it was snowing. Amy and I talk many different things for several hours, almost all night. My first impressions are smart, outgoing and scarcastic. She certain has a way with her words. Something about her spark my interest.

However, the story I hear from Amy, she said that she first saw me when I was in HMB building as I walk pass her, she couldn't help but want to look at my behind. So she did. Her first thought was I am way out of her league. Also, she watches me when I'm at cafeteria. First thing she sees me as straight.

Well, even though I act straight and wear female outfit and attract to males, part of me is very curious. I did had my first crush on christian female friend. I never said a word and minding my own business. I act causual like it is nothing.

That christian female friend of mine is married and have children.

Anyway, back to that story...

After a while, Amy want to set up as a group for all of us go together to Six Flags. Something had came up, people changed their mind and would not go. Amy seem very disappointed. I tried to cheer her up by coming over and ask her why not we just go ahead and go. She seem isn't in the mood.

Later I found out that, Amy trying to have a date with me but going out in a group. It is more of discreet way. I didn't know that what Amy was trying to do. So she tried to come up with other way. However, there isn't other way.

Finally, Jan 1st, Amy contact me through IM, she confessed that she had a crush on me. I wasn't expect that. I thought she wasn't interesting in me since she did avoiding me, sometimes.

I was surprised and she shared some poems with me that she wrote for me that she did wrote during time we were together.

John had really interfere a lot of ways. For one, John had said something that he thinks that would happen, so I talk to Amy and I discover it isn't true. It happens often in different situtations. John would twist in every way.

At the end, I broke up with John but I made him thinks that he's breaking up with me. I let him have his last words. He always have a last words.

After awhile, Amy got into coma and forgot everything had happened between me and Amy plus she forgotten her family. As usual, John didn't tell me that Amy still remeber me and John but does not remember her parent and rest of her family. John left out the part that Amy remebers me. Anyway, I thought that was it. It was the end. I thought it was fate. So I did not come back. I left.

After long time, I still kept thinking of Amy. I managed to push aside. It has been long time. I finally decided to contact Amy, again. We finally had been clear up a lot of misunderstanding and it was really John cuz this first place.

What's done is done but I do not have regrets. I'm glad that I had a chance to contact her and clear up. She and I are becoming best friends.

We did plan to have vacation to get together but sadly Amy have to leave and go to heaven. Her lungs are collesping.

Part of me is hoping that isn't true. Part of me is hoping that is just overreacting. So I contact few of my friends then I contact my 2nd mom. Finally, I decided to contact hopstial. Turn out, it wasn't overreacting. Since my money is limited plus I do not feel comfortable going alone. However, I was desperate to go from Texas to Minn.

I decided to contact 3 male friends (lucky, they are single and 2 are open-minded). Reason why is that I do not want John try to..... Ummm get me back, again or draw me into relationship with him. I know 2 male friends of mine would get along and act like they are my boyfriends or like a relationship, just to cover up. It is best way to prevent from.... John... I don't want to be around him alone. Sadly, they can't.

So I went ahead and contact a good friend of mine from Missiouri. When she said, yes. I was relieved and thrill. So I quickly contact my job to have someone to cover me. I was told to call next day. I dislike that. Instead, I went ahead and called several hours later, trun out, they have it cover. Again, I was relieved. I was very anixious. It is possible they will remove the breathing support on Thursday or Friday. So I want to be there by Wedensday, hopefully to be alone with her or something like that.

Wed, March 19th. I called hopstial and talk to Amy's mother. She said that they will disconnect the tube tonight. My first thought, I hope to be there before they do that. The early flight is 2 30pm... I arrived 4 45pm. I decided to tell Amy's mother, that I will arrive airport at 5pm. Part of me glad that I did cuz that gave me alittle bit more time. I got on shuttle on way to hotel that is near hosptial. My friend was driving to Minn. Some people find hard to believe that she is driving. Well, I think it is much cheaper than flight. Since mine is 500 dollars plus tax. It is rather expensive but not bad for last minutes. I was glad that my parent were willing to pay as long as I pay back because at first, they were not but when I mention that I will pay back then they will buy the plane ticket.

I couldn't sleep since Monday night and I barely eat much since I was on emotional. Part of me am glad that I'm taking prozac otherwise I might not be able to do anything. When I was on shuttle and it is close to 5 30pm. I called the hotel to double check that they reserved the room plus it have to be at least 10 minutes request for shuttle of half hour to one hour. My first thought I want to leave by 5 30 but I think it was too soon. So I did request for 6pm. Turn out I arrived at hotel 535pm. I knew that wasn't enough time. Meanwhile, I contact my friend to see where she was at. She said she should be there abt 15 minutes or so.

What's funny part? My friend told me that she arrived at hotel. So I came down at the evelator turn out she came up 3rd floor. Somehow, we missed each other as we continue contace as "where are you, now". I laughed when I found out that she's on 3rd floor then I turn around and came up while she told me that she will stay on 3rd floor. I was relieved and not so nervous anymore when I saw her. We chat breifly then on way to hopstial. Thank goodness for shuttle from hotel to hosptial. It certain save time of where should park and driving around to find hopstial, too. That really makes a differences. We arrived. I know my friend doesn't know Amy or anyone. I figured she might feel comfortable staying in family/waiting room. So I asked her if she want to stay. She said yes. I'm glad that she is there because when I'm in the room where family, John, and Amy, back of my head I know my friend is in the waiting room. I feel comfortable knowing she is there nearby.

My first saw was John. He hugged me then hold me. He started to cry. My first thought, who cares... I'm here for Amy, not John. I just being polite and ask how's going and etc. Finally, I ask can I see Amy? I was really anixious to see her. Back of my mind, I remind myself that Amy is on heavy medication and that she may not reconzed or still asleep. John and I walked down the hallway and chatting about Amy's situation. We stop at the curtian that half open and light is off. The only light that shine is from hallway. I saw family but I haven't see Amy. As John continue chatting, I saw alittle boy come up to me twice. By the third time, he approach me again, then walk back to the room. John asked, did you know that is Nicholas? My respond, I saw him in picture, is that him? John got Nicholas and we were being introduce. I saw a beautiful blue eyes. We were litterally looked into our eyes. That is Amy's son. I asked him, "may I have a hug?" He quickly gave me hug and then walk back to the room. John gave me yellow paper thing that covers our chest and down to knee. John is also put himself on. The moment we walk in the room, I quickly took my deep breath as I tried to fight my emotional back. John introduce me with Amy's parent, aunt, sisters and interpreter. I know one of her sister is blind since she has Usher Syndome. I spoke hi with her name. She nodded. Finally, I saw Sharon. John's wife. I have met her couple times. I came up to her and hugged her.

Finally, I approach to Amy which she lay on bed with breathing tube. Her eyes are half open. I was speechless. She doesn't look good. I stood nearby and hold her cold hand. John approach me and told me that she can't see due to heavy medication since her eyesights are blur. However, he told that that I can speak to her in her ear. So I did, "hey Amy, this is Crystal... This is Crystal, I'm here." She nodded. My heart just jumped. I told her, "I care and I love you." couple times. I sat on extra chair just like everyone else sitting. John told me that it felt right that he and I were there. I admit that I was kinda surprised to hear that from him.

I found out they will remove the breathing tube around 7pm. Because next step will be life support; however, several days ago, she made it clear that she doesn't want life support. So, they have to go ahead and remove the breathing tube.

So now, we are saying "good-byes". We are taking turn. First parents, sisters, aunts, John then me... Last is Sharon and Nicholas. I did said, "good-bye and I will see you soon." What I meant is that I know I will see her someday weather I die old or by car accident but I know I will see her again.
When mother explain to Amy that nurses will remove the breathing tube. She idmently grab the tube and try to pull it out herself. Her mother told her to be patience and let nurses do that for you.

John told me that Amy had tried to remove that tube, yesterday. Something tells me that she is ready to die.

We came out in hall. I went to waiting room and letting my friend know. After a while, Sharon came and got me. I told Sharon, "thank you for getting me." She nodded. I arrived, they were waiting in hallway. I spotted John's youngest daughter in her 20's. She was surprised to see me. I just nod and wait.

I saw nurses in Amy room. I figure that they give her medication and remove the tube. That medication is to prevent from feeling any pains.

They left then we all came back in. Amy is breathing on her own alittle bit for a while. Part of me is hoping that she's able to continue to breath on her own; however, her last breath, I saw her face turn to pale and her lips turn to gray. It only take a second. Next thing I saw, at least I think I see it, a smoke or fog-like is right above amy's body. I blink then it is gone. Again it take only split seconds. I was crying, others were crying. Amy's mother and other family are close by with Amy. I was pretty much in distance. Amy's mother left her position. I quickly went over just to be close to Amy. Deep down I knew Amy is watching us. John is manage to go to closeby Amy on other side of bed across from me. We both looked at Amy as we saying good byes. I notice her aunt didn't like that but I ingore her. Few moments, I notice Amy's mother came back and standing behind me. Then I back off and gave her postion back. That was my plan is to give her postion back. John gave me a look with puzzle. I told him, she's a mother. I know my mom want to be nearby if that happen to me, too. John respond, "understood."

Everybody was hugging but me. I was crying plus somewhat left out. Unexpectly, John's daughter pulled me for a hug. I was surprised because she seems didn't like me and basically she ingored me when I first met her. She tried hog all attention to John. I just back off and let her because I know that she is daughter and he is father. She was kinda rude. However, this time the situtation was different. We all have group hugged then invdiual hugs. Finally, everyone and I join hands and prayed. Amy's father prayed then John prayed.

Finally, John had asked me what's my plan. I told him that I only ate was peanuts and orange juice. Truth is I wasn't hungry since I was in emotional. I do know my stomach is empty and I must eat something. John did said that I can ride van with them and my friend can ride with his daughter. I do not want to be alone.... Espeically with John even though Sharon will be there. I refused. I mention, I prefer to be with my friend. John's daughter said that she has a room for two people in her car. I nodded.

After a while, we got lost. Part of me is glad that wasn't my friend and I. We just tag along and let them find the resturant.

Finally, we found it. As we got out of the car, John waited and watching. My friend walk forward. John really had to ask, Kare you two together?" My respond, "no!" John said that I refuse to be alone and that I require to be with her. And that I seems to be close. I told him that she and I were roomates. I couldn't picture myself with her. I only see her as my best friend, my sister, that's all I see her. I couldn't see anything farther than that. Part of me is glad that he couldn't figure out what the real reason. I do not want to be alone around John. No matter what! We continue to eat and chatting different things.

I decided to lied that my plane leaves tomorrow(Thurs) since my plane leaves Friday for I do not want to see them again.
John's daughter dropped us off. We arrive back to hotel room. We chatting for next few hours.

You know what? I'm just am glad that I get to see Amy and I'm glad I had a chance to say good bye. I'm glad that I made my choice to fly over. In fact, I felt more peace than I was before. Most of all, I'm really am glad that my friend was there.

Next morning, my friend had told me that something had came up and had to go back home. I was disappointed. I don't want to be alone. Then I realize, I'm not going to see John again. So it really doesn't matter. She seems to hestate to leave. I told her that there are resturants, and couple fast food nearby. Or I can take shuttle to hosptial for cafeteria. I will be fine. So, she left.

You know what else?? I couldn't ask for better timing. I arrive just right on time before Amy died. I had a chance to say good bye. And I don't have to put up seeing John for another day alone while my friend had gone back home. It is truly blessing. What's even more, I'm glad that my friend had left because I realize I haven't being alone for long time. Even my parent gone for dating but that was short. It has been long to be alone for long hours. In fact I enjoy being by myself.

Next day, I flew from Minn to St. Loius Missiouri. My next flight was suppose to be 6 30pm; however it postpone 8:30pm then 9:10pm then 9:50pm. There was announcement. I had to asked. I found out that there was mechinical problem and that we may have to fly other city then to Dallas. I decided to get something to eat. Since I don't feel comfortable about eating resturant. I prefer fast food to go. I do not want to miss my flight if things had changed and I didn't know espeically, I can't understand over the speaker. I spotted a map on the board. I was disapointed is that all are resturant and if you want fast food, it has to be outside of security.

Sudeenly, I hear something like someone talk behind my back. Thanks to the big store where I work, that is not unusual when they think I'm hearing and they tend to talk behind my back. I trained myself to catch it otherwise, they think I ingore them. I turned my head, "mmmm?" this guy said again, " can I help you finding something?" that guy who sems to work there. He had vest on and he's pushing empty wheelchair like he is ready to get for someone elderly getting off the plane that needs wheelchair.

My respond, "I'm just look for something close-by for fast-food, not resturant." He asked me if I like Burger King. My answered, "yeah!" then he told be to go down ... Blah blah blah. I said, "thank you!" with smile on my face. He smiled, " you're welcome." So I assumed maybe it isn't that far. The long I walk the farther it seems to be. Then I spotted a resturant next to it that said to take out only. So I went there. There is nothing spark my interest. However there is wrap sandwich. So I went ahead and got it and buy it. The lady said something which I do not understood her. Then she gave a guesture with a fingres that show cross then put her hands on chest as for hug. Jesus loves you. I was like... Geez. Instead, I said, "yeah, I know." Then she smiled and said "happy Easter." I said, " you too" for a moment I did almost forgotten there is Easter this coming Sunday. I am so use to have Easter in April.

The plane delay again 11pm then 11:15pm. There was announcement. This time there is one way flight. People clapping their hands. Plus they switch plane since it is still mechinical problem. Finally, the plane arrived. And we left 11:25pm. I couldn't go to sleep because people in front row were busying flashing lights with their camera and cell phone's camera. It is really annoying they kept doing it. Part of me hoping they would stop soon but they kept going until arrive Dallas. The plane arrived 1:20am. I was hungry, tried, and really cranky.

When I looked around, there is lights off with only small light down the hallway. It look closed. The airport does close by midnight. Part of me am glad that my parent were there cuz there is no transportation.

On the way, we stop at Jack in the Box then came home. Reese was really exciting when I came home.

Right now, I felt peace. Plus it does feels alittle funny for eveytime I look at my pager, I was kinda hoping to hear from Amy. It will take a while. Same thing when I feel funny when my grandma died and she no longer send birthday cards and christmas cards. I'm use to that. So it will take a while to accept and wouldn't receive any more msg from Amy and my grandma.

R.I.P Amy~ March 19, 2008. ~ You will be missed but not forgot.

Well, I think I better stop.
Happy Easter!