Creepy smiles

As I was working in shoe dept, there's a man approach to me and asked me if I'm working here. I nodded. He asked me, "you have ballet shoes here?"I answered, "yeah, we do." He gave most creepy smiles as I show him where's ballet shoes. That smiles seem so much reminded me of my EX. I manage to not let that bother me. I asked, "what size?" He said "Five." I showed him the little girls area for ballet shoes. He replied, "no, I'm buying for my mom." I was like, "oh!" then I thought for few second,"mmm not I know of." He gave another creepy smiles. He replied unhappy tone in his voice, "It's same at San Deigo, California! ...." I lost what he said at the ending part as he walked off. *Geez, then why are you coming here and already knew the answer, stupid?!* Instead, I said, "Sorry." *NOT*, that was comes in my mind as I walked off. I knew that guy has NPD from the moment that he gave the creepy smiles.

Anyway.

*Warning ahead* *Warning ahead* *Warning ahead*
Let you know this is kinda depressing since I'm in a depressing mood.

Working there is soooooo boring! It's same, same, same, and same old routine. Just pick up the shoes and put it back where it belongs. Gathering Infant clothes from the fitting room to put them back where they are belong. I have to re-organize the sizes of the clothes on the rack. Pick up the things that people left behind that isn't belong in the area to give to another person who responsible in the certain dept all day long. Walking back and forth, lucky, I was able to sit down for 15 minutes break before lunch and take 30 minutes lunch and have second 15 minutes break. Sometimes I strench to 20 minutes break, not always. If they caught me, I would use the an exuse that I lost track and I will use 10 minutes break for the next break instead but no one caught me for that so far. *knock on the wood* I remember my previous boss once told me that it's okay to be late once in a while for whatever the reasons are, just don't make the habit of it. I liked that. So I try to remind myself not to make an habit of it.

I finally get the hang of it but I hate it. I don't like picking up other people's mess. I do not clean up my mess so why should I?? Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, I know I'm getting paid for it. It's cheap! Not worth a sh**! I would give anything to have paid raise quickly as possible. I did wrote down speaific money for an hour and doesn't have me for that certain hour money. *sigh* Like I said, I'm not happy with this at all.

The workers are chatting to help to make their times go faster as they work. Sometimes, it would be nice to understand what they are saying to help me to able to keep on working. I feel like I'm back to the old ways while I was in hearing schools. Truth is I'm use to grow up a lot of isolate. I do social once in a while. I just dislike to be around with someone who isn't honest. I remember one girl who always drainging my energy by just talking (NPD) (that time I didn't know). I stop hanging out wiht her because of her drain my energy. I befriended with someone else, she stole my lunch money. I borrowed one of my teacher and I did paid her back later. I never befriended her again. I made a new friend, she's nice and bitch which is borderline personality (again, that time I didn't know). At least, she's honest and doesn't steal. Until someone backstabbing about me and she hate me and never sit down to discuss with me to clear up the misunderstanding. It's always one thing or another. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking around soap oprea *live* which I never watch it but I do get the idea what's about. Sometimes I do feel like an outsider.

After I went to Gallaudet, I've realize how much I've miss a lot of social life. It's like I've been catching up and my native is gone once I learned so many hard ways. I never felt so much joy there. There is a rocky road for me while I was there but it's worth it. Gallaudet made me realize who am I! Without Gallaudet, I would never know. I'm glad that I went.

Now, I'm back to the hearing world. I can tell there are some people who I couldn't trust. There's a worker told me that I can leave. I told her, "no, because I've already discuss with my boss, I couldn't leave until my boss told me to." Something about in her face expression like "Darn! I couldn't fool her." That's really upsetting me. I know that there are so many bullies are out there including adults. Sometimes, I feel like I'm getting tired of fighting. I've fight 2 bully guys and one bully girl. Yes, I do physical fights. It is only time when I fed up that the bullies wouldn't stop giving me hard times over and over and over. No matter how much I resistance, the bullies still wouldn't stop that's when I finally fed up and tackle them down. I got trouble once and other I manage to get away without getting caught and same with him. I only have a quick and short fight. Something that is fast and unexpected. They got embarrassing and left. They didn't bother me every since. One is not at school but at the party. She's strong but not that strong. I almost drown her in the pool at the pool party. I strongly remember there's a sharp pain in my heart that's what made me let go of her. Look back, it's kinda funny because she wave her hands out of the water fantic like what you see on tv. It looks exact the same as tv the movement of panic and etc but I let her go. I admit that I got cocky and she pissed off and slap real hard in my back. I was on the steps and turn around and attack her again. That was a longest fight compare with other 2 guys.

There's another guy who tried to rape me, I'll be d*** to let him and I fought against him too. He was totally shocked that I fight against him and I left quickly.

Like I said, I'm getting tired of fighting and I'm getting tired of bullies. Even though I get tired of them I still fight against them in a different way now. I don't do physical. I admit that I was very *close* to hit two of my ex-boyfriend but I never across that line *pat my back* However, I still challege them with my words just like any other bullies.

*sigh* Despite my lousy english, spelling, and mistype, there are a lot of hearing people were surprised that I'm smart. Yes, there are a lot of deaf people are not so smart; however, there are a lot of deaf people are very smart. I even know some are smarter than me that sometimes I wish I have half of their brain to make my job a little easier. Believe me, I know that there are some people out there. I kept amazing to hearing co-workers about my suggestions and ideas at work that they never did thought of even it is most simple things. I feel like this is getting too old.

One of my co-worker, who used to be sunday school teacher at church teaches deaf people. When I asked her, "why is the lady (who is works at different dept.) asked me if I ever work at cashier here before?" My co-workder kept on and on explaining which is base on one word, "Do you mean just in case they neeeded a *back-up* if the lines are getting longer like in Christmas times?" She was awed, "You're so smart." Geez, I wonder why? My respond, "Thanks" *I think.*

I feel like of wanna to get out of there and work something science-y related. Something I can use my brain. I feel like I'm working at the store like a brainless job. I feel like that is for 18 years old people works there. I don't deserve this at all. I know a lot of elder people works there, too. I like hang around them because they have so much experiences such as rasing children and having grandchildren. They seems so nice better than 18 years old people who haven't experience of adulthood, yet. I feel like I'm kinda in the middle. I know I seems like I'm 18 years old by my appearce and maybe seem naive?? Maybe my appearce seems naive but I know that I'm not and I'm going to keep proving them wrong for judging me the first place. I will keep on challege them even though I am getting tried of fighting in a different way not physical.

I feel like everywhere I go is brainless job even the internship that I once went to. It's brainless job, a very few using brain is for the presentation. *sigh*

When I mention I'm getting tired and feel like giving up. I just need to find a way, even it is hardest way but I hope that I can bypass or something.

There's always hope.